Running Diary of the NBA Lottery

Well here we are on the most important night in the last 10 years of the Boston Celtics and depending on the outcome the most important night in the next 10 years of the Boston Celtics. The NBA Draft Lottery. The fate of my beloved Boston Celtics rests on Ping-Pong Balls. Why can’t this be like the old days when David Stern could have totally rigged this thing with a creased envelope or a frozen one and ensured that the Celtics could be restored to the prominence of the 80’s. If they don’t get a number one or two pick in this draft the team will be sunk for the next 10 years. Don’t tell me that Corey Brewer, Al Horford, or the athletic Chinese Guy are great players, if the you don’t get the Number 1 or 2 pick in this draft it should be considered a loss. They have a 38.7% chance of getting the one or two pick and there is still a knot in my stomach the size of Rosie O’Donnell.

A pre-face: in the pre-game show for the lottery analyst Jon Barry just guaranteed that the Celtics would get the Number 1 pick. Thanks for jinxing the crap out of the Celtics. Honestly, someone put a hit out on Barry immediately.

5:27 – We are coming to live from the Kaz apartment. Alongside me tonight will be… well no one. I am here by myself to bring you this running diary of the NBA lottery. Our telecast tonight will be led by Fred Hickman, Greg Anthony, and Jay Bilas. Thank god, Stephen A. Smith is nowhere near this set. Somehow he will be heard from wherever he is sitting.

5:28 – Mark Jones shows us how the Lottery will be selected from Conference Room 3A. Apparently it is done by the a weird system of 4 digit numbers and matching it up against the wall of numbers. Hm… seems a little more complicated then it has to be.

5:31 – Anthony mentions that there is a chance of the Knicks getting the number one pick and having to send it to the Bulls for the deal involving Eddy Curry. So in an essence it would be Curry for Oden. How did Isiah get an extension? Almost as perplexing as Doc Rivers getting one.

5:32 – I believe I see Tommy Heinsohm in the background of the room. This is starting to feel a lot better. In 1997, the Celtics sent ML Carr and we know how that one turned out to us.

5:33 – Interview with Patrick Ewing. A Cambridge Ridge and Latin Graduate (a Boston High School) that apparently couldn’t read when he went to Georgetown. One of the best college institutions in the country taking on a guy that couldn’t read? The power of college basketball is massive folks.

5:35 – They have activated the ping-pong ball machine. Excuse me, I have to go change my shorts.

5:37 – Preview of Game Two: Spurs and Jazz. Who Cares???? The Spurs in 5. You read it hear first. Unless this preview deals with Tony Parkers sex life with Eva Longoria before games, I don’t want to hear Marc Jackson or Van Gundy speak again.

5: 39 – Interview with David Stern. Now he is discussing how the NBA ruined the Spurs and Suns series by suspending Stoudemire and Diaw and he was justified by doing it. Shut up Stern. You ruined a greatest series and are now admitting that rule will probably change. You should have done the right thing a week ago and let those two play. I haven’t seen a screw job like that since Vinny Mac screwed Bret Hart in Wrestlemania 10 years ago.

5:41 – Another Commercial??? That’s two in six minutes. Fuck you ESPN. I am about to have a heart attack and you give me another set of commercials. Either make this the best night or put me out of my misery now. I can see why people drink.

5:45 – And we’re back and meeting the representatives: Mike Dunleavy, Chad Shin of the Hornets, Billy King of the 76ers, Basketball Jesus (and they are doing an interview with him now and he is funny. I love him), Phil Maloof, Steve Schanwald of the Bulls, Fred Whitfield of the Bobcats, Randy Foye, Brandon Roy (honestly the rookies from last year? Send KG, now that would be interesting), Lenny Wilkins, The Human Highlight Show for the Hawks, Larry Harris of the Bucks, Tommy Heinsohn, and Jerry West. What a group of people.

5:48 – OMG its finally here. My heart is about 300 beats per minute. 14 goes to the Clippers. That is where they are supposed to be. I can’t type right now…

5:49 – Through 9 and everything has been normal. The percentages have held true.

5:50 – NUMBER 5!!!!!!!!!. Are you kidding me???? KILL ME NOW!!!!!!!! Portland, Seattle and Atlanta are left. Even Memphis got killed. This is why the lottery doesn’t work. The Celtics needed that pick. I wasted all my birthday wishes on this one too. SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!

5:51 – Another Commercial. Giving all of us Boston fans time to get the nooses ready.

5:53 – Viewing the Celtics lottery party. That is what I look like right now. #3 goes to the Hawks. #2 to the Sonics and Number 1 goes the Portland Trailblazers. Honestly how does that happen? This is absolutely ridiculous. I am done with the NBA.

5:55 – Interview with Brandon Roy. Pairing the best player from last year’s draft with Greg Oden or Durant that really seems fair. This isn’t how it is supposed to work. I am in shock and in disbelief.

5:56 – the Trail Blazers now with their team with Oden are now legitimate contenders. So now the West gets even better and the East gets even worse. I can’t even watch this even more…If you don’t hear from me in a couple days please come over and make sure I’m not hanging in my closet.

Marcia's Column #6

after 3 years of bitterness i have finally started to enjoy softball again. I went the last Cal game of the year and actually enjoyed myself. for the first time in a long while, watching softball brought back some wonderful memories for me. it has been really hard for me to not be bitter about the way my softball career ended over the last 3 years. i think in some way i always will be upset about it, but i think i'm beginning to associate softball with the 13 years i played before it got bad and the truth is the reason i have been so upset about it, is because of how much i got out of playing softball for so long.

but just as i am starting to enjoy the game again, monica abbott has to break the NCAA strikeout record. (fyi: monica abbott is a pitcher for the tennessee softball team.) if you know me, you know that it drives me crazy that i can't be the best at everything. ok, obviously i am not the best pitcher in the history of the world, but now i am not even the best pitcher who's name is m. abbott. that is VERY hard on my ego.

if you've ever been in the embarcadero muni station in San Francisco, you know that when they run an ad (for say prius or Microsoft vista) they literally rent out the entire station to the same product, which i find annoying on its own. they print these ads on the floors, on the stairs, hang up banners and put movie trailer-like signs all over and they'll put like 10 in a row right next to each other. it was bad enough when i had to read 20 versions of the same ad for prius and vista, but i didn't have anything against these ads in particular, though i'm still trying to figure out why everyone who owns a prius likes to hold up a sign that says "yes!". . . i guess they are excited, but it doesn't make any intuitive sense to me. did someone ask them if they liked their prius or if they'd buy it again? if so, they should tell us that, it is not well explained.

the new add that is EVERYWHERE are the reebok ads. i'm not sure if you've seen these ads, but they are part of the campaign that involves the new commercial that ends with Allen iverson and Vince young and has the tag line "run at the speed of chat". this commercial is the only semi-decent part of this campaign. it is not necessarily great, but it doesn't piss me off like the others. The ones in the muni station feature a bunch of runners that look like they're going to pass out or who have fallen over from running so hard, but come with such tag lines as "a 10 minute mile is just as long as a 6 minute mile", "what are you just doing?", "did you beat your time or just yourself?" and others with a similar message. . . be mediocre. i understand that they are trying to make running seem fun and accessible to people who aren't athletes. it just seems like they are almost making fun of athletes and it makes me mad. i probably wouldn't care if i didn't have to look at 20 of these ads every morning and night, but every time i do it makes me madder and madder.

these ads probably aren't all that offensive to the general person, i think this all goes back to my crazy competitive, why do something if you're not the best at it? attitude. they really piss me off though.

Middle of Finals and I got Nothing

Well I am in the middle of finals so all I have been doing has been studying in the library so I haven’t really been in touch with the outside world so I have nothing interesting to talk about but I feel like my audience needs something to get them through their weeks.

So here goes…

My buddy Adam Braun is currently doing a semester at sea and sends periodic emails and photos from his trip in a big mailer to a group of us. He was just recently in Buenos Aires, Argentina and just sent one of these emails. Thankfully something inside the email was so entertaining and enjoyable that I am just going to copy and paste a part of it and call it my column for the week.

Perhaps the strangest night I've had on this trip occurred when we headed 30 minutes outside the city to the "best Sunday night club around". Immediately upon arrival we realized we were among the trash of Buenos Aires, but the club interior was nice and the throbbing house rhythms were infectious. After 45 minutes of music though, the hanging TV screen was raised and the music faded... Everyone moved to the outskirts of the dance floor, taking seats to observe the stage as if they knew exactly what was coming... Suddenly, a busty blond sauntered onstage in high heels and lingerie. "Take My Breath Away" from Top Gun pierced the stank club air, and my first thought was "She's not going to...." Oh yes, she was. After a few pathetic gyrations, she removed her top to reveal silicon-enhanced breasticles. Interesting. Suddenly, a large pony-tailed man walked onstage behind her, wearing an oversized black leather trench coat. Ummm, okay.

She walked towards the beast and removed the dead cow from his shoulders, revealing tighty-whitey underwear and nothing else. Scott, Israeli Doodee and I looked at each other with equal looks of "Is this really happening!?" She knelt down to face the Incredible Hulk's incredible hulk, and at that point the same thought ran through all of our heads simultaneously... "Not a chance." Oh, but how wrong we were. She pulled down this dude's jock strap to reveal a freakish 11-inch ramjam boner-nation. A collective gasp shuddered through the scattered crowd, and for the next 3 minutes they engaged in softcore faux sex ON STAGE. We were in a state of absolute shock. This was a regular nightclub we thought, not Marv Albert's chamber of love. Finally the curtains mercifully closed, and Bob Sinclair's club anthem "Hold On" screamed over the speakers. We were paralyzed with "what-just-happened-to-me"-ness, but everyone else sprinted onto the dancefloor and began shaking it up like nothing out of the ordinary had just happened! Where the hell were we?! If anything, they danced with more vigor, most likely to compensate for their newfound feelings of loathesome sexual inadequacy thanks to the trenchoat-wearing tripod...

Well that pretty much will be my last post until finals are over (May 15^th for all of you not in the know). I hope you enjoyed an adventure with Captain Adam Braun and his tale from the High Seas.

Marcia's Column #5

Apparently, Kaz informed me that the "public had spoken" and I needed to write a column this week. I have to say that i have been crazy busy at work lately. . . my boss made a "joking" reference to needing me to work 120 hours this week. I hope he was joking, because if not I just screwed myself into working 120.5 hours this week by writing this column. I hope you enjoy.

you know, ever since me and Kaz started dating I have been trying really hard to hate the Yankees. When Pettitte went to the Astros, he really helped my cause, but he's back now, so I'm screwed. The Yankees seem to draw people towards them in some weird way. You don't want to like them, but for some reason it's hard not to (unless you're from Boston, but we all know that thats all about jealousy). But for normal people like me, why is it so hard to hate the Yankees?

I was watching sports center a few weeks ago at the gym and I couldn't really see very well, but all of a sudden there was this HOT guy on the TV that they were talking about, so I started paying better attention. It was Chase Wright, the new Yankees pitcher. He was, I'm assuming, brought in because Mike Mussina and Carl Pavano were recently put on the DL. One good looking guy replacing two other good looking guys. It was at this moment that it came to me. . . the Yankees are hard to hate, because they are so good looking. I went through the Yankees roster and came up with 11 guys I think are attractive. here is the list. . . Kyle Farnsworth, Mike Mussina, Carl Pavano, Andy Pettitte, Chase Wright, Jorge Posada, Robinson Cano, Alberto Gonzalez, Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Jason Giambi. You may not agree with every name on this list, but lets look at the list of Padres in comparison. . . i found 3: Justin Hampson, Pete Laforest, Russell Branyan (and I gave these 3 the benefit of the doubt).

I mean, its bad enough that the Yankees buy all the good players, do they have to buy all the good looking ones too? Granted there are exceptions, like caveman Johnny Damon, but percentage- wise the Yankees are just way ahead of the pack. Just for the record, I whole heartedly think that some of these guys are total tools, like A Rod who likes to try and slap other players like a five year old girl to get them to drop a ball. . . did you really think that Bronson Arroyo was going down from a girl's slap fight?. . . and Derek Jeter, my feelings for him can be summed up in the saying from Kaz's shirt "Yankees suck, Jeter swallows", but there is no denying that they are attractive.

I think the Yankees have the right idea. What is going to get women to come to baseball games more than a bunch of hot guys in tight pants?

I feel sort of bad for Kaz, besides the fact that he has a girlfriend who wants to do the majority of the Yankees, he had a few other things happen to him recently involving New York sports.

1. Tom Brady being photographed wearing a Yankees hat. This i do not understand, I mean he had to know that would anger Boston fans and he's not from New York, so why would he be a Yankee fan? UNLESS. . . its the hot guys! perhaps impregnating women and dating the most highly paid model in the history of the world is all to cover up the fact that he is gay and dating Derek Jeter. Maybe he wore the Yankees hat, because he "couldn't live a lie anymore". I really hope this is true, not only would it make all those crazy die- hard Pats fans squirm, he would be a great role model for gay athletes everywhere.

2. Zak DeOssie being drafted by the Giants. Kaz literally watched like every moment of the draft (I was more of an in and out kind of watcher) and was so excited for Zak. But everytime I say something like "Aren't you so excited?" He responds with a [sigh] "yeah, it's just that the Giants are one of my least favorite teams". We are both still very excited for Zak, I think Kaz just had visions of Zak in a Pats uniform. . . I personally wanted him to go to the 49ers or the Chargers, but what can you do? CONGRATS ZAK!

3. Roger Clemens going to the Yankees. . . ok, I have to brag a bit here. . . who called this in their previous column? My favorite part of the announcement was when the panned to Andy Pettitte to show how happy he was. . . he looked like a little kid

The Mailbag 5-3-07

Law School Finals are upon us that is why the posts are so few and far between. I’m not going to even apologize because if you were in finals right now you wouldn’t be writing anything either.

First of a few comments from my readers….(Kind of like a mailbag but no one actually ever sends me an emails:

Uchenna Omokaro: "Your blogs crack me up..."

Why thank you Uch. Marcia and I try very hard to make this not only informative but also funny. I know many of our readers check here everyday while at work to get through their boring and repetitive lives. What can I say, I live to give.

Mark Logsdon: “I don't really get Entourage. I've tried to watch it, and nothing ever happens. There's usually a minor problem that gets resolved by the end of the episode, and in the end they're all still in the same Entourage and Vince is always rich and famous. Eric has to tell Vince that he can't go on his wine trip...oh no! Guess Vince will have to fly an airplane to Cabo! What the fuck kind of a plot is that?”

Well Mark, one of my good friends for quite along time and also the person I went with to the single greatest basketball game I have ever been to(that should be subject to a column on its own.) I sometimes agree with you when it comes to Entourage in that it is normally just a smaller issue that gets resolved by the end of the show but there are other overarching issues that go on for episodes at a time such as the awkwardness between Vince and Mandy Moore, Vince not working on Aquaman 2, and now the relationship between Vince, his new agent Amanda, and Ari. These weren’t just resolved at the end of the episode and became major themes for the series. Also of course they are all going to stay part of the same entourage. They are either related by blood or are best friends from growing up. They are going to stick together because they are all they got on the West Coast. And I mean lets be honest the show is fucking hysterical. That should be enough to make you watch it.

Jeremy Kessel: “Tommy and I agree...Marcia's Column is the most anticipated post of the week.”

I agree that she is a better writer then me. Her columns are generally more about pop culture that more people would be interested in rather then the opening day game between the Boston Red Sox and Kansas City Royals and she is constantly taking jabs at me which is always funny.

Luiz Arroyo: “It is not 1999 he is not the best reciever anymore.” (In reference to Randy Moss)

I actually agree with you 100% Luiz. Statistically and heart wise Randy Moss is not the greatest receiver in the NFL. He has had 3 down years and appears to not care any more. But lets be honest, Randy Moss, when it comes to talent, is the greatest receiver in the NFL. He is 6’4”, with hands of glue that apparently ran 4.29 at his physical with the Patriots and all the Pats had to give up was a 4^th Round Draft Pick. And the best part is that he could be a bum and give up on the team and it wouldn’t matter because we have a plethora of wide receivers. The Pats could put his ass on the bench and it wouldn’t matter. I think that playing on a winning team with veteran leadership in Brown, Brady, Bruschi and Bellichek will finally motivate him to play hard again. Moss on the Right, Stallworth on the Left, Welker in the Slot, Watson in the Middle, and Maroney out of the backfield with Brady leading an offense is up there with the best skilled players in the league. Get me to Vegas, I need to put money down on them right now.

William Burroughs: “You need to make a blog post about the fight before it happens.”

The fight that Uncle Phillip Banks is talking about is De La Hoya vs. Mayweather this Saturday night in Las Vegas. Dubbed the “Last Great Fight” and the “Fight of the Decade” and I could care less. The last boxing match I ever watched and was excited about walking was a match between Lewis and one of the Klitschko brothers. Vitali kicked the living the hell out of him but the fight had to stop be because of a cut on Vitali’s head and the doctor wouldn’t let him continue. Such Bullshit. Since then boxing has meant nothing to me. This coupled with the emergence of the UFC has made boxing not even a second level sport anymore. Would I rather watch De La Hoya vs. Mayweather or Quinton “Rampage” Jackson vs. Chuck “The Iceman” Lidell? That isn’t even a question at this point. The only way I would go and watch “Fight of the Decade” would be if someone ponied up the $54.95 and didn’t expect me to pay a dime and provided all of the food and booze. That’s how little I care about that fight. Hey maybe it will be the “Fight of the Decade” but I could care less.