TV Ramblings 4-18-07

When it comes to television I would like to consider myself pretty much an expert. People constantly ask me “You probably watch more TV then anyone else I know, how do you do it with law school?” Well its simple actually, the invention of the Tivo. Tivo has been the greatest invention of the last 20 years and I am willing to fight anyone that challenges me on this. Think about this, Thursday night is the most jammed packed TV night ever. On Thursday night alone there is, The Office, 30 Rock, Scrubs, Grey’s Anatomy, Shark, CSI, The Ultimate Fighter, etc. Now Marcia and I want to watch all of these shows. 10 years ago we didn’t have a chance unless we have two TVs and two VCRS. Fast-forward to today and all of these shows are watchable due to Tivo. Kudos to you Mr. Tivo Inventor. You are on same plane as Ben Franklin, Henry Ford, and the guy that invented String Cheese. You Rock.

And onto more about TV I have a bone to pick with you Bravo Network. Marcia and I try and watch the shows each other wants to watch as a why to spend more time together. Some have been hits (me making her watch 24 and now she loves it, and her asking me to watch Project Runway with her and I love it) while some have been misses (me asking her to watch Thank God You’re Here is the most current example and her asking me to get into Laguna Beach and the Hills, not going to happen). So I enjoy Project Runway, which if you didn’t know is a show hosted by Heidi Klum where potential Fashion Designers are given weekly challenges and the person who does the worst is voted off. This show has been a hit so they decided to spin it off into another show called Top Chef. Which follows the same premise but is about cooking (even though my problem with it is how can we has a home viewing audience tell how good something tastes?). Another classically good show. Now they are spinning this off into two other shows called Top Design (interior decorating) and Sheer Genius (hairstyling). These two not so good. I have an idea for you Bravo network, why don’t you come up with a new idea for an f’n show. What is next for you guys? Top Artist? Top Nanny? Top Porn Star starring Jenna Jameson? I mean honestly, where does it end with you assholes? Actually I wouldn’t mind watching Top Porn Star but it would have to be on HBO as a minimum.

Sunday Night TV Review:

Sopranos was excellent. They really set up where the whole season was going to go from here. A nice gang war between the New York Family run by Philly Leotardo (named after a fucking outfit you wear for ballet) against the Soprano Family of New Jersey is a great way to make the final season run its course. Tony is paranoid that someone is going to kill him (believing that his “nephew” Christopher could be the one) and AJ being bitch slapped figuratively from his girlfriend are great new plot lines for the rest of the year.

Entourage is finally BACK!!! This past episode was just classic. Everyone was involved in some storyline that was just superb. Turtle and Drama trying to score with the chicks from the dog park with Drama getting screwed over in the end, Eric and Vince having relationship problems because of Sloan calling Eric a “little Vince’s Boy” and Ari and Lloyd really bonding at a gay club. These all could have been separate episodes but for our viewing pleasure Entourage crammed them into one episode. So I have a question for you my reading audience…what was the line of the night from Entourage? I give you two options:

1. Ari to the Sitcom writer as he was trying to take advantage of Lloyd: “At Miller Gold we may be whores, but we aren’t pimps. Come on Lloyd we’re leaving.”

2. Eric: “What are you not going to talk to me?”

Sloan: “Oh I’ll talk, but don’t expect anymore.”

You tell me. I think they are both classic.

Marcia's Column #4

I have to apologize for not writing anything for last week, it was combo of not getting back from San Diego until 3:30am on Monday morning and having a really busy week at work. . . I'll try and write another one sometime this week to make up for it (if Kaz is willing to alter the schedule for me) . . . no promises though

So by now, if you've read any of my other posts you know that i am (healthy, i think) obsessed with Andy Pettitte. Opening week of baseball season, i got super excited and looked up the schedules of when either the Yankees or the Padres would be in SF or Oakland. I remembered that the Yankees were playing in Oakland this weekend, but didn't really make plans to see a game, etc. During bar #1 of the pub crawl i did on sat night, the Yankees/ A's game was on and thought there was a decent chance Pettitte was pitching the next day (i knew that he hadn't pitching either of the last 2 games). Around bar #3 on the pub crawl, I decided that i should in fact text Kaz and make him figure out if Pettitte was pitching Sunday or not (I'm sure he loved this considering he was at home writing a paper and I was out being a drunk asshole). After leaving bar #5 i was sufficiently drunk to the point where i had completely forgotten about the game and completely focused on making it to Bob's 24 hour donut shop, but right then i got a call from Kaz that Pettitte was pitching! YES! and my friend Erin even said she'd want to go with me

I was worried that this would be one of those instances when everyone thinks things like this are a good idea when they're drunk and then the next morning, totally punk out (i am always the loser who was serious and gets up early to get ready and then finds out that everyone else is still sleeping). Well, me and Erin actually managed to wake up and buy Justin Timberlake tickets, get ready, head to nick's crispy tacos, and head to the game. . .

On the way over, we got to hear a story from Erin's friend about this guy she knew who was rushing to get on the BART and not paying attention, who sat down in puddle of someelse's urine. . . this made me glad we were driving. After a LONG drive, because of horrible traffic caused by a concurrent A's and Warriors game, we arrived.

Maybe it was a mistake to drive an hour to a game we didn't have tickets to, but i felt like A's tickets weren't very hard to get, though I may have underestimated how much of a draw the Yankees coming to town is. We suspected that the game might be sold out, but figured if they were that we'd just head up to the BART ramp and look for scalpers. We thought it might be a bad sign when the people coming from the BART ramp were asking us if we had extra tickets, but always the eternal optimist, i was convinced that i would get tickets. i mean, it is my destiny to see Andy Pettitte, right? WRONG. when we got up there, there was only one scalper and he was selling tickets for $100 each. even, i don't like Pettitte that much, plus, I'm not a drug dealer. . . who carries $200 cash around with them? it was then that i realized that i would not be seeing Andy Pettitte pitch, so i took my nick's crispy tacos, which i was still waiting to eat, and hopped on BART to head back to SF. It was once I got on BART that i started thinking about my friend's theory on public transportation in the bay area. . .

His theory is that BART and the MUNI buses smell, but that CalTrain and the MUNI metro are cleaner. He also says that he doesn't sit on the BART, because the smell travels with you. (This reminded me of that Seinfeld when Jerry can't get the smell out of his car and everyone who goes in it smells). I have always noticed that the buses in SF gross me out a lot more than the metro, but hadn't been on BART all that much. The combo of hearing about a guy sitting in a puddle of urine and riding the BART for the second time ever, made me think more about this phenomena. After checking my seat multiple times for urine, I decided to actually sit down, though i was worried about carrying BART smell with me for the rest of the day, especially getting in stuck in my hair. Is that how it works, like when you get smoke smell stuck in your hair after going out? I'm going to have to ask my friend about the intricacies of "catching the BART smell".

Anyway, my theory is that BART smells worse than the MUNI metro or the CalTrain because of the type of seating. BART seats are made out of like normal cloth and look relatively absorbent, whereas CalTrain and MUNI have seats that are basically made of plastic. Less absorbent = less smell retained. The real mystery is the MUNI buses. Why would these be any smellier than the MUNI metro? The seats are made of the same material(though the brown seats on the buses don't exactly make it look more appealing), so they shouldn't absorb the smell anymore than the metro seats do. I also thought it might be the type of people who ride the buses, but why would bus people be smellier than metro people, there is no inherent reason i can think of . . . i don't get it. Chalk it up as one of life's great mysteries I guess.

Pacman Jones and Don Imus

The two biggest sports stories going on right now in the world are Pacman Jones year long suspension and Don Imus’s insensitive sexist and racist remarks about the Rutgers Womens Basketball Team. If you haven’t heard of these stories please say hello to Bin Laden for me because you have been living under the same rock as he has for the last 5 years. For those of you of that have not heard these stories here are extremely short synopsizes.

Pacman Jones has been in trouble with the law from the moment he entered the NFL (Something around 10 arrests or so). While he has never been convicted of anything the NFL started a Player’s Conduct Policy that punishes you for your indiscretions off the field. Not too long ago Pacman was in a strip club with $81,000 in one dollar bills. He was a regular patron to this gentlemen’s establishment and like to have things his way. This includes “making it rain” by throwing the money in the air and having the women keep dancing while the money rained down on them. Most of the strippers knew the rule (set by Pacman) that you are not to start picking up the money until Pacman gave you the ok. A new girl didn’t know the rule and started picking up the money immediately. Pacman grabbed her and punched her in the face and the proceeded to smash her face into the stage. A bouncer immediately stepped in and grabbed Pacman and forced him to leave the establishment. Once outside the DA claims Pacman sent a posse member of his back into shoot the bouncer. The bouncer was shot and remains in critical condition. After this last situation the Commissioner of the NFL decided to suspend Pacman for the entire upcoming season without pay. Also if Pacman gets in trouble with the law while suspended he is kicked out of the league for life.

Here is my problem with this. While I agree that Pacman is a complete douchebag and probably shouldn’t be allowed in the NFL for what he did, we live in America where everyone is innocent until proven guilty. Let me reiterate this point, Pacman has never been convicted of anything. He has never served any prolonged jail time. He is an asshole that always seems to get himself in the wrong situations but he has never been convicted. Apparently Goodell (the Commissioner) has instituted himself as the judge, jury and executioner of the NFL. That is what my problem with the whole situation is. This could just be a series of unbelievable coincidences (I doubt it) but the point is that we don’t know. Until he is convicted of something (Charges for the strip club incident have been filed against him) he should have the luxury of all of the same freedoms that we all get.

Moving on to the Imus Situation. Don Imus on his nationally syndicated radio show said he watched the National Championship Game for the Women’s NCAA championship and said that the Rutgers Team was some “nappy-headed hoes”. He then proceeded to go on many news outlets and use excuses like “we were just having fun, I’m not really a racist” and the worst one of all time “I’m not a racist, I have many black friends.” The “I have many black friends” card is the single worst thing of all time. By saying something like that you are just proving what even more of a racist you are. What Imus should have done was just shut his damn mouth. His comment was awful but really dug his grave was his stupid comments surrounding the incident. Don’t go on the Rev. Al Sharpton’s Radio Show. What do you think was going to happen to you? He would forgive you? No what he did was make you look more like an idiot racist bigot and now you got fired from both of your jobs. Bravo Imus, you really showed us all how not to handle this situation.

So those are the big sport stories in the news this week and my take on them. You think I’m wrong, then let me know. Come back next week to see the reappearance of the Marcia Column.

(Side Note: to any Boston Sports fan go to Youtube and type in Fitzy’s Wicked Pissah Webcast. I promise you that you will not be disappointed.)

A Few Things that Bug Me

First off I know it has been way to long since a post on here. To my loyal readers (I think we are somewhere in the 40-50 range at this point based on messages I have received) I apologize. Marcia went home for Easter Weekend and didn't get back into Northern Cal until 3:45 am on Monday morning and had to get up for work at 6am so she didn't feel like anything she would write would be enjoyable for you all to read.

I on the other hand have been taking care of a take home final and haven't really had any time to write anything other then my damn paper so I apologize for my absence. There is really no excuse though, I should have found some time to write at least something. This will not happen again. I know many of you look here for something to read while slugging away at your job and I have let you down.

So here is just a few things that have been bugging me. This isn't a What Really Grinds My Gears because that is Jared's thing and these don't bug me that much but just are a little annoying.

1. White people that add "izzle" to basic words. This phase ended a long time people and you don't look cool doing it or are funny while doing it. Please stop. For the love of God, I am pleading with you. The next little white girl that says "Fo Shizzle" is going to get my size 15 off the side of their head.
   
2. People who serve to avoid a speed bump but still run it over with two wheels. Don't give me this I am trying to save my car bullshit. That is crap and you know it. You are still hitting the bump with two wheels and when you come back the other way you are going to hit it with the other two wheels. Just sack up and don't swerve onto oncoming traffic to avoid hitting the speed bump with two wheels. The chance of a head on collision is much better then wearing down your tires.
   
3. WWTDD.com. This website is one of the two celebrity gossip sites I check everyday along with www.perezhilton.com. The other day this site said that the show Entourage was unbearable and borderline unwatchable. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! It is one of the best shows on TV today. I am boycotting you Mr. What Would Tyler Durden Do. All of my celebrity gossip will now have to come from PerezHilton.
4. People who when you bring up baseball to them they immediately tell you about their fantasy baseball team. I just want to talk to you about baseball in general. Don't tell me that you are pissed because you have Grady Sizemore and he hasn't been able to play because of the snow in Cleveland. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR FANTASY BASEBALL TEAM. There that is covered. We can all move on now.

That is it for now. Just a few things that bug me. I can live with it but let me tell you, if these keep up I am going to snap. By Friday there will either be a Marcia Column or a column by me about Adam "PacMan" Jones and Chris Henry. Stay Tuned.

What Really Grinds My Gears #2

I was really excited when my bother asked me to write another column for his blog, because he is right, I am a really pissed off person. And nothing really grinds my gears more than this.

Who the hell said that mustaches were out of fashion? Somehow, people in the 90’s and the 00’s believe that full-blown beard and goatee are the “new in thing.” And before I go on, I know that the few people who actually know me will call me a hypocrite because I usually rock the goatee, but that is because of only one reason and that is I am not fully man enough yet to pull off a mustache by itself. I mean some of the great men of the 80’s, (when the mustache was fashionable) rocked the greatest mustaches ever. My father, Porno star John Holmes and of course Ron Jeremy. Those were real men my good people. None of this, “mustaches are out because they look ugly and I don’t want to look Mexican.” My father still rocks the 80’s porn star mustache, and I must say he pulls it off with style and grace. Also because when he grows a goatee he looks too old, and when he shaves it off he looks to fat, but still the mustache is what makes my father the man he is. Also, this is not just my father people, every single one of his brothers, my uncles, rocks the mustache. I mean a brother family picture looks like right before a porno scene and right before the women show up. I’ve told them that the 80’s, called they want their fashion back, but they just smile and make fun of me because of the fake facial hair that I myself have. They are real men people. So I call out to all you people who can grow facial hair with relative ease, (my brother for example) if you can grow a full mustache, then do it, stop hiding behind beards and goatees.

Another thing with facial hair that seems to be the “new in thing” that really grinds my gears is this new “chin strap beard.” I mean what the hell is that? I earlier stated that beards are not as fashionable as mustaches, but now we have to make it look good too? I mean I don’t even think they should be legal, because not one person I know that has the chin strap looks good. And what really grinds my gears even more, are the really really fat guys that try and have the chin strap. You know the guys that I am talking about, like the ones who are so fat that they don’t even have a distinction between their neck and face. But still somehow have a chin strap beard. You just decided to put that anywhere didn’t you? There is not a distinct jaw outline, so you could have put that thing an inch below your eye and no one would have even known the difference. A prime example of this that all of you should know is George Lucas. I mean what the hell is that? The man has no jaw, but still somehow has the chin strap thing going on. It looks terrible and how the hell does any one know if it’s on his chin? I guess that’s between him and God to figure out.

The HodgePodge 4-4-07

· A few Notes from the Red Sox Opening Day Game: I watched the entire game from the first pitch to the last. First and forth most Curt Schilling looked like absolute crap. He looked overweight and extremely out of shape. For a guy that has made a career out of hitting his spots and overpowering hitters with a 95mph fastball and having a splitter that literally drops off the table he did neither in his opening day start. He looked pathetic out there. I can see why the Red Sox would name him the opening day starter (200 wins over his career) but he was just not ready. Their range at the middle infield by Lugo and Pedroia is just awful. Any groundball up the middle is going to be a base hit. Having that along with a centerfielder with a noodle for an arm in Crisp could cause a lot of problems defensively. All in all, I’m optimistic about the chances of the Sox this year.

· A few of you have gotten back to me about the 11^th member of my list of the Next 11 NBA players into the 61 best players in the NBA and it appears that the resounding favorite is Gary Payton. Also receiving votes were Reggie Miller, Tracy McGrady, and my personal favorite suggestion Dennis Rodman (Not a bad suggestion, you could definitely make an argument). Gary Payton’s career stats are 16.4ppg, 6.7apg, 4.0rpg, and 1.8spg (these have declined in the last couple of years due to his backup role with the Heat). A 9-time All-star nicknamed “The Glove” he was also one of the fiercest on the ball defender ever.

· Is it me or has South Park really been stepping it up this season? I mean honestly the last few episodes have had me laughing harder then I can remember in along time from watching South Park. The 24 spoof, the Head Lice episode, Naggers, and Easter Da Vinci Code special have been hysterical. Such high quality episodes. Good work Matt and Trey.

· As I have stated earlier this upcoming weekend is one of the greatest TV weekends because of the start of Entourage and the Sopranos but I almost forgot that The Ultimate Fighter 5 starts up tom. night and the Masters are this weekend as well. Even if you don’t like Golf you have to like the Masters due to the history around it. The music of that Masters alone should make you watch it. The Ultimate Fighter 5 starts off with the introduction of a new weight class (155lbs lightweights). I am so excited for this as well. It truly is one of my favorites shows. On the other hand, the UFC pay-per-view this upcoming Saturday appears to be on its face, very sub par. A main event of Georges St. Pierre vs. Matt Sera should not be highlighting a pay-per-view. I’m setting the over/under line at 2 minutes to how long this fight will last. I dare you take the over.

· One of my new favorite things is when a college athlete decides to “do the right thing” and stay in school for an extra year and its end up costing them millions of dollars when they don’t get drafted as high as they were projected. Last year Joakim Noah would have been either then #1 or #2 draft pick because the draft was so weak. As of right now he has probably closer to #10 due to how stacked this draft is. Nick Fazekas wanted to return to school for his senior year to improve on his projected draft position as a late first/early second round draft pick. After this year he appears to be right at the same spot. So he returned to college and picked up a degree and lost about a million dollars in the process. The all-time leader in this category though is Matt Leinart. Two years ago Matt was the consensus #1 draft pick to go to the 49ers. He decided to stay in school and “win another national championship” and ended up getting drafted #10 by Arizona. He had already won a national championship and a Heisman trophy but he went back to school for another year with the potential to get hurt and never play in the NFL. Now I believe he went back because he was banging every hot Southern Cal Coed and if that is the case then I have less of a problem with it but loosing out on $20 million is a tough choice to make to bang some USC undergrads. To my readers out there, send in your choices for the “Matt Leinart ‘I should have left school” all-star team”.

As always you can email me your comments and questions at jkazanovicz@gmail.com.

Marcia's Column #3

(Quick Note From Kaz: As always these are completely unedited by me for content. What she wants to write about she writes about.)

I was planning on spending this whole column making fun of Kaz, because he called me a dumb girl in his last column, but I decided against it. I mean I really don't want the whole world to know how much of a loser my boyfriend really is, do I? Instead, I wrote about other things that annoy me.

Things I am over:

Guys who think any girl who is semi-attractive or goes out is a ditz

Granted, it is not only guys who do this. . . girls do it too. I think what bugs me so much about when guys do this is their air of superiority when it happens. . . like I'm looking for a guy to marry, because there is no way i can support myself and later in life when I'm not as attractive and am too old to go to club's anymore, i'm gunna need this guy to take care of me. I used to be nicer about it I think . . . maybe I've turned into a total bitch. My theory though, is that I've finally gotten to the point in my life, where I realize that any guy who is going to treat me like an idiot deserves the same treatment back.

There was an incident that reminded me of why I hate these type of guys so much this weekend. I went to a club in the city because a friend of a friend was having a celebratory/ going away party because he got into Wharton business school. My girlfriend (who also went to Brown) was talking to this guy, trying to be exited for him and generally be a nice person. She was like "yay, you're going to Wharton, that's awesome" and he turns to her and says "what do you know about Wharton?" like she couldn't possibly even be intelligent to know what Wharton is. So, she said something about knowing a good amount about Penn because we went to Brown. He stumbled over his words for a second and managed to muster up. . . "you both went to Brown?!? I really wanted to go there". This is the moment when i actually like that these guys exist, because then I get to enjoy them trying to remove their foot from their mouth. In another world where I wasn't all talk I would have totally told him that he didn't get into Brown because he was a tool, but I'm not quite that mean.

Roger Clemens

ok, I'm not really over him in terms of talent, I think he's awesome. But what's with this, I'm too cool to actually join a team for the whole season/ ever decide if I will join or what team I will play for, crap? Its so annoying. . . my theory is he is totally playing this year, he just doesn't want to put in the effort it takes to pitch a whole season and people let him get away with it because he's Roger Clemens. . . this is ridiculous though, everyone else has to work hard all season, he's such a premadonna, i HATE premadonna's. There are in theory three teams that he might play for, which are the Astros, the Red Sox, and the Yankees. My theory is that he'll either play for the Astros or the Yankees. The only reason Roger Clemens might go to Boston is for sentimental reasons. For some people this is probably a good enough reason, but considering that this is the guy who when a 8 yr old Kaz asked him if he would autograph his ball, replied by saying "Do you have 20 bucks?", I doubt he's really in it for the Boston fans. Sorry Boston. . . You do have that loser with a screw ball though, so you're all set. My personal opinion is that he'll go to the Yankee's to be with his man crush, Andy Pettitte. That's what I would do and it's not like playing in New York will keep him from his family that long anyway, he'll only be playing like a 2 month season.

When he does come back, I'll be excited to watch him pitch, but he still sucks. . . at least he's not Kobe Bryant

Philip Rivers: ok, I have to say in Philip River's defense that it is not his fault I am over him. . .

You know how some couples are allowed to sleep with one celebrity? Well me and Kaz have that rule. I tried to pick strategically, like for example: Andy Pettitte is probably my biggest celebrity crush, but he has a wife and kids, so my chances are pretty bad (even if he cheats on his wife, I don't like to think of him that way, so in Marcia world, he doesn't and I couldn't have him).

Most celebrities don't really do it for me (except athletes) because somehow they are all minature and I like tall guys. The only real celebrity that I actually kind of have a crush on who passed this test was Wentworth Miller. . . the problem with him is that he is TOO good-looking, I mean it would make me all nervous and jittery and I'd probably just stare at him the whole time. Plus, there are rumors that he is gay, so I don't want to waste my one celebrity on a gay guy. . . that is not at all strategic.

This is how I decided that I wanted Philip Rivers to be "my" celebrity. He is not my favorite Charger, but LaDainian Tomlinson is way too happily married/ nice. Philip Rivers is totally my type in terms of build, etc. and he is pretty good looking, but not unbelievable. The combination of these things made me feel like I had a shot and that he had potential. The thing that made me officially decide to choose him was the fact that Kaz told me he seemed like the type of guy who would do any girl. . . at first this sounds like a bad quality, but this isn't a guy I want to date or marry, it is a guy I want a chance to get with. So, it was decided.

This past weekend, when our friend from Brown was in town, I come to find out that Philip Rivers has a long time girlfriend and Kaz knew about this. This made me very angry. . . who lies about an athlete's relationship status to try and get their girlfriend to make a bad pick? This is just like march madness all over again.

Then our friend told me I was good-looking, but not good-looking enough to get with Philip Rivers. If he had said this about Wentworth Miller I would whole- heartedly agree, I am not good-looking enough for him, but saying I'm not good-looking enough for Philip Rivers, that was pretty insulting (when I told my best friend that I had a crush on him, she said "ewww, really? why?").

Now, I have to pick a new celebrity. . . as you can imagine I will not be soliciting Kaz's advice on this one.