Library: Good Place to Study or Place That Will Cause Me to Commit Mass Murder

I have been spending a lot of time in the law library here at Santa Clara University recently and have come across a few things that are starting to bug the living shit out of me. I mean really starting to piss me off to the point where I am going to go postal in here.

1. People that Bring in Whole Meals into the Library. I know we are all super busy and stressed when finals come around and every minute not studying is a minute lost but take the 15 minutes to go eat somewhere else. I am ok with you eating a bag of chips or a zip lock bag of Cheerios in here but when someone comes in with a Henry’s burrito with a side of rice and beans and starts chomping away on it I want to stab a pencil in my eye. Sit out in the lobby for the 15 minutes it takes you to eat it. I promise you that you won’t miss out on that much during that time.

2. People that Answer their Phones in the Library. I mean come on this is just common knowledge. Don’t answer your phone in the library. Don’t even answer it to say “Hey, I can’t talk. I’m in the library.” If it is that important of a phone call, walk your ass outside and answer. Also, don’t think that if you get up and walk into the book stacks we can’t hear you. Freaking idiots.

3. People that Put their Heads Down and Take a Nap. I really don’t have reason for hating this one except it does really bug the hell out of me. I mean honestly how valuable is 15 minute nap with your head down on the desk going to be? I know personally I can’t even get my head in that position and be more comfortable for more then 2 minutes. Sleep at home you douche.

4. People that have full conversations with the people at their table. It’s a library. You are supposed to shut the hell up and study. If you want to have a conversation go to a bar. I come to the library because of the fact that there is supposed to be fewer distractions here then anywhere else. You sitting there having a conversation about what you are doing later or over Christmas break is not supposed to happen here. I mean I am not a dick. If you have a legitimate question for someone sitting around you and you ask them quietly I don’t care but seriously shut the hell up the rest of the time.

I guess that it’s as of right now. I have three more days in this damn library before finals are over for me but if I see one more of these things occur I am going to flip my shit. I mean I will throw a whole fucking table over or punch someone in the face. I mean I should dump my Nalgene bottle of water on the next person I see sleeping or eating a whole meal. I know I am not alone when I make these grievances.

Ok, I’m off my soapbox now. In other news, the Pats will go 19-0, BC will beat Michigan State, the Celtics will win the Eastern Conference at a minimum and I will love every single minute of it.

Also how great is that trading of the late first round pick last year to the 49ers for their first round pick this year. As someone that watches the 49ers a fair amount because they are the local team, they suck. I can’t believe that they even have 3 wins. They are that bad. I don’t know who would win in a game between them and the Dolphins. They are going to lose out and go 3-13, which theoretically should give the Patriots the 2^nd overall pick. At this point they either trade down or draft Darren McFadden. I say get McFadden and play a two back system like the Vikings do now. Two back systems have appeared to become the norm in College Football and it’s starting to creep its way into the Pros. Either do this or draft a younger linebacker because the line backing corps of the Pats are getting kind of up their in age. Either way, good job on that trade 49ers. Now you don’t have a first round draft pick to draft a legit quarterback and believe me, you need one. Alex Smith is not the answer.

I’m Out…

The Hodgepodge 11-12-07

• One of the great debates in football for the last 5 years or so in the NFL has been who would you rather have has your quarterback, Peyton Manning or Tom Brady? Up to this year even being one of the biggest homers of all time, I would have said Peyton Manning is a better quarterback. I know, I know all of the people in Boston probably hate me for even writing that. But let me tell you this, I have changed. Manning's stats in the past used to be just gaudy to look at. He would have a season of 49 TD passes with just a handle of interceptions. Brady would have a season of 28 TD passes and 14 interceptions but his team would win. Brady was the better winner but Peyton was the better Quarterback. Take away Marvin Harrison, Dallas Clark and LT Tony Ugoh and Peyton Manning is struggling, and I mean struggling bad. Peyton threw 6 interceptions last night and didn't play well in the Colts Pats game either. No one is expected to play as well as normal with all of their options out but he still had Reggie Wayne and Joseph Addai. That is better then what Tom Brady had three years ago when he had Troy Brown and David Patten as his primary receivers and whoever they would stick in at Tailback. Even with that crap offense Tom Brady still didn't lose or throw 6 interception. Tom Brady won three championships and played at a Pro Bowl level. For this reason and for that reason alone, I now choose Tom Brady as the best quarterback of our generation.
• Thank God, Ohio State lost to Illinois this past weekend. If I had to watch Ohio State play in another National Championship and get blown out by a superior SEC team I would have just driven my car into on coming traffic. I get it, the play unbelievable defense but offensively they are just boring as shit. I mean honestly. They bore the living shit out of me.
  
• The Celtics are 5-0. Based on this they are projected to go 82-0. I know it doesn't sound too logical but the numbers don't lie. If they keep at this pace they will win every game and end up going 82-0. Personally I think they can do it. Lets hope so because Boston could really use a super dominant team right now.
  
• Dustin Pedroia just won the AL Rookie of the Year award. Congratulations Dustin you are now a cult hero in Boston. Your performance throughout the entire year and especially in the playoffs and World Series was absolutely amazing. We found out last week that Pedroia actually played the last two months of the season with a fractured bone in his wrist. In 2004 there was Schilling's bloody sock and for 2007 we have Pedroia's broken wrist.
• If you ever want to hear about the Best but most awkward dinner of all time involving Eric Wright and Ed Steinman, just ask. I'll be happy to share the story.
  

The Hodgepodge 11/1/07

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Where it Began...

You probably all know that "Where it Began..." is the first line to Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond and the unofficial anthem of Red Sox Nation. Many of people out here in California have asked me where that has come from and why it became the Rallying Cry of the Boston Red Sox Faithful. They generally ask me this as I am belting it out on Thursday night Karaoke at the Claran. I don't have an answer to these people but that doesn't stop me from screaming "Go Red Sox!!!" at the conclusion of it every time I sing it.

Why did I start out this post with that Headline and Paragraph? Well because I thought you would all X out the window after you realize that this is going to be a column about how great it is to be a Boston Sports Fan right now. I know you are all probably sick of reading how awesome the Red Sox, Patriots, Celtics and Boston College Eagles are doing right now but come on, even if you are sick of it you have to be impressed by the unprecedented level of success going on right now in Boston.

Quick Run Down of the Boston Sports:

Boston Red Sox: Best Record in Major League Baseball during the regular season and a World Series Championship, there 2nd in 4 years.

New England Patriots: 8-0, Best Record in the NFL. Averaging over 42 points a game while only giving up 16. They have the midway point MVP in Tom Brady (he's also the MDP, Most Dreamiest Player as well).

Boston College Eagles: 8-0 #2 in the current BCS standings. This is probably the most improbable one because no one in college football saw this one coming. Their quarterback, Matt Ryan, is one of the front runners for the Heisman Trophy.

Boston Celtics: The Vegas favorite to win the Eastern Conference. The addition of Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen gives the Celtics three 20ppg career scorers. In a waterdowned Eastern Conference they should win 55-60 games this year.

Boston Bruins: Well...umm.....lets move on.

I was talking to my dad about this phenomenon the other day and he said that the closest thing this comparable to is back in 1986 when the Red Sox, Celtics, and Patriots all played for a Championship. However, as we know only the Celtics pulled that out, the ball went through Buckner's legs, and the Patriots got clobbered in the biggest blowout in Superbowl History. (On a side note, I trully believe the '86 Celtics are the greatest Team in NBA history. They had three Hall of Famers all at the Apex of their careers and went 68-14 and a NBA record 40-1 at home. I mean they were so stacked they had Bill Walton, another Hall of Famer, coming off the bench)

So who knows. This whole thing can blow up next week. The Patriots could lose to the Colts in Indy. BC could lose to anyone of Clemson, Florida St. or Miami. The Celtics could not mesh together because they have too many first option guys.

Think about it. Before this sudden wave of success the Teams in Boston were pitiful. The Red Sox didn't win a World Series in 86 years. The Patriots were the laughing stock of the NFL for the 70's and 80's. The Bruins would get bounced from the Playoffs in the first round every year. The Celtics after dominating for most of the 80's were the first team in the NBA for the last two years and pretty much all the time before that. We were a joke of a sports city.

All I know is that right now I am living the dream when it comes to watching my teams play and I am going to soak it in while I can because who knows when this is going to end.

But I'll End it with how I started it... because honestly for Boston Sports Fans, good times have never been so good (so good, so good, so good). I've been inclined to believe they never would.

Sweet Caroline

What Did I learn from 48 Hours on the Couch

Last Tuesday night I completely threw out my back and was subjected to laying on the couch unable to stand or sit up for 48 hours. I was unable to go to class, work out, or sit on the toilet with out being in excruciating pain. This was the most frustrating injury maybe ever because I was literally immobile. I had to rely on other people to do normal things for me like, get me a bottle of water from the fridge, bring me some advil or hand me the remote. However 48 hours straight on the couch taught me a lot of things. A lot of things that you wouldn't ever think about except if you had to be this immobile.

1) I have some really good friends. Multiple different people took time out of the their busy days to come over and hang out with me because I was bored silly. Whether it was coming over to watch a Red Sox playoff game, coming over to hang out after dinner, or bringing me drugs someone was with me pretty much the entire 48 hours.

2) Vicodin is one hell of a drug. I mean I can understand why this shit can get sold on the street. I mean this pill completely got rid of the pain and generally put me right to sleep which is a really good thing when you can't move. You can't be bored if you sleep like crazy.

3) www.tv-links.co.uk is the single greatest website of all time. It literally has "free" episodes of every tv show that was ever made. Before you come back at me and say, "Hey man, where's Small Wonder? You know that creepy show with the little girl that was really a doll or robot. It isn't there." First off, I would say Fuck You. Secondly, it doesn't have every show but it has pretty much everything you would ever want to watch. Hey Dude, The Smurfs, Dynosaucers, etc. are all there. Go ahead and enjoy yourself.

4) Did I mention how awesome Vicodin is? I mean really, really good stuff there.

5) Ok, this one I knew already but it took this 2 days to really sit down and figure it out. Using the previously mentioned website I decided to do what Tommy Hartnett, Mark Vanni and Bill Simmons have been telling me to do for the last year, starting watching The Wire. Tommy said give it 3 shows and you will be hooked. He was wrong. It only took 2. This is honestly the greatest show on TV. I have watched almost 2 whole seasons and I can't rave about this show enough. I watched the first 7 episodes in a row. (What can I say, I was incredibly incredibly bored on that damn couch) The show follows the drug trafficking in Baltimore, Maryland and how the police use technology and cool shit like that to bring them down. From this show I have learned more about probable cause then Criminal Law and Criminal Procedure classes ever have. I don't do this because I don't want people to come back and say "WTF?!?!?! You recommended that shit and it sucked" but you need to start watching because this is the single best show on TV. Better then The Sopranos, Better then 24, Better then anything you can come up with. You will regret not watching it when it is all said and done.

I am now up and around and I am really excited to be walking and able to function as part of society and I hope I never hurt my back like that again but at the same time I learned a ton of cool shit from those 48 hours on the couch. And if anyone else can score me some Vicodin I would be much obliged.

Rock of Love

I don’t know if I have expressed this to everyone but one of the greatest television shows of all time ended last night. A show that will go down in the annals of television history. It is the single greatest show of all time and I am so upset that it is over. Of course I am talking about Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. A direct clone of Flavor of Love and I Love New York there was something else with this show that put it directly above them. A certain something that I can’t put my finger on…oh wait I got it, 20 whores fighting for the affection of a washed-up 80’s hair band lead singer.

The show started off with 20 women showing up. Bret’s head of security, Big John, kicked five off before the show had even started. He walked up to them and picked out the least attractive 5 before even letting them get in the house. Sorry ladies you aren’t good enough to degrade yourself on national TV for Bret Michaels. You aren’t good enough to compete in challenges like, have Phone Sex with Bret while he has a machine that measures the blood flow to his genitalia attached to see who turned him on the most. You aren’t good enough to play tackle football in the mud in little outfits that got ripped off. You aren’t good enough to see how quickly you can change outfits in a Port-o-potty.

The show had 5 major superstars of contestants. Heather, the 31 year-old stripper that decided that the best way to turn on an 80’s hair band lead singer is to dress and wear your hair like an 80’s porn star. She was manipulative and referred to her chest as her Tatters. She thought it would be cool to get a tattoo that said “BRET” on the back of her neck before the show was over. Needless to say that when she didn’t win she started to flip out that she had his named tattooed on the back of her neck. Listen you dumb whore, tattoos are permanent and you are an idiot for getting his name tattooed on the back of your neck. She also had the line of the season when she said, “I’m not a hater, I’m a congratulator. If I see a hot chick I will say it.”

Lacey, was a spoiled rich girl that hid her true life style from her parents. Everyone in the house hated her and she cried every time something went wrong and because of it she got to stay on the show until the final 3. Her father is the unintentional comedy champion. He told Bret that if Lacey won and they got married that he would have to sign a pre-nup because he was a wealthy man and didn’t want him to marry his daughter for money.

Erin and Brandi C get lumped together because well there was no difference between the two really. Both were blonde busty whores that were just absolute delights to have on the screen. Both have starred in Porn and if you do a little research with Google I am sure you that can find their work. There is a lovely picture of Brian Urlacher feeling up Erin out there. The two started arguing which one was less of a whore at one point. That piece of tape should be sent to the Smithsonian because it can never be beat. It would have been like OJ and Michael Vick arguing who was the better role model for society.

Our final contestant and winner was Jes. She was the most beautiful girl on the show and the most normal as well. She won the show by doing two tings, not being an idiot and showing real emotion and concern for Bret. When Bret was having a diabetic attack she broke down and showed real emotion for Bret. When Bret had a diabetic attack in front of Heather, Heather told him to sack it up so she could drive the dunebuggie. Excellent move Heather.

All in all I give the show an A+. Bret took the show so freaking serious that it was hysterical the whole time. Where Flavor Flav just made a big joke out of the thing, Bret was really looking for true love and he picked the right girl. Now I hope they bring this show back but instead replace Bret Michaels with Tommy Lee. Now that will be a show that I would watch. I can see him on the first episode whipping it out in front of all of the ladies and tell them, “this is what I am working with” or something to that extent. We can only hope.

American Gladiators

About 2 weeks ago Andrew Cross and I decided that for Halloween we were going to be American Gladiators. What better to be for Halloween then one of the Heroes of my childhood. We started discussing it more and came to realize that this could single handly be one of the greatest costumes ideas of all time. However we then came to the grand realization that neither one of look like American Gladiators. Andrew wasn't nearly big enough and well hell I am way to flabby and fat to be an American Gladiator.

How big was I? Well on the first weigh-in I was (drumroll please......) 283lbs or roughly one Rosie O'Donnell. I was absolutely shocked. I knew I was big but I didn't think I was that big. 283 was heavier then I was during my last season of football by about 10lbs. It was at that point I decided to make a change. The motivation of having to wear a tiny little singlet for Halloween plus the fact that I was slowly killing myself (literally) was all the motivation I need to kick some ass in the gym and watch what I eat. Well in the last week, I have been to the gym 6 times. (The one off day I played soccer). I generally lift for 45 minutes and do cardio for over 45 minutes.

I have been eating salad like it is going to run out as of tomorrow. I have been eating grilled chicken for dinner pretty much every night. I have cut out all beverages minus water (I know, I aut out Diet Pepsi. ME? Can you believe that? NO diet pepsi?) and drink about 100oz of water of day.

Last night was my first official weigh in and I weighed in at (Another drumroll please...) 270lbs. That is a total of 13lbs weight loss in one week. While there still is a long way to go, I am satisfied with my week one results and look forward to keeping this up for the next 4 weeks.

On a completely side note our American Gladiators team has picked up 3 more members in Dennis "Legs of a Roman Soldier" Aeling, Molly Healey, and Katie O'Connor. That is a total of 5 Gladiators. I have always been a proponent of making Halloween costumes as a group and I am quite stoked about this.

So I leave you with this link to fire you up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLfACqLDeTM

I'm Back Baby!!!

In the immortal words of George Costanza, “I’m Back Baby!!!” I wasn’t planning on coming back but I was asked by two separate individuals on the same day if I ever planned on bring back the Blog. That means that there are at least two people out there that care about the blog and want it back. That’s all that I needed to fire up the old Word Document and starting telling you what I feel. So without further ado I bring you back Kaz’s Awesome Blog.

Random Thoughts so far about the NFL:

· Is it me or are the Patriots the closest thing to the ’86 Bears since well the ’86 Bears. They are absolutely phenomenal. They finally have given Tom Brady and their stacked Defense a wide receiver core that is beyond serviceable but I would actually say the Best in the NFL. Think about this offense for a second. When the Patriots come out in the Singleback formation which so far has been the formation they have run the most they have Brady under center, Moss Lined up on the Left, Stallworth on the Right, Watson at the Left Tight End, Wes Welker (my new official favorite player on the Patriots) in the right slot and Boney Maroney lining up in the Backfield. There offensive line while having no standouts has been together a couple of years now and that is all an offensive line needs. Look at the Broncos who have had consistently the best offensive line in the NFL for the last 6 years. I can only name the Center, Tom Nalen and that is more because he went to Boston College. But they have been together for a long time and now the Patriots have that same thing. Either way they this offense when clicking on all cylinders they are the best in the league.

· Never be in more then two different fantasy leagues at the same time. He gets too crazy. I am in three leagues and therefore have 9 or 10 running backs that I have to root for. (Stephen Jackson, Adrian Peterson, Deuce McAllister/Cedric Benson in League 1, LaDanian Tomlinson, Reggie Bush, Maurice Jones-Drew in League Two, and Rudy Johnson, Brian Westbrook and Edgerrin James in League 3) Including backups I am roughly rooting for 1/3 of the leagues running backs to do amazing. It’s too much and I can’t handle it.

· Why don’t the San Francisco 49ers throw the ball to Vernon Davis more? Let’s look at his physical stats, 6’3” 258lbs runs a 4.38. That my friends is what you call a freak of nature. (Note: Jevon Kearse is The Freak but not for the same reason. If you don’t get that reference then I’ll tell you in private) They should try and give him 8-10 touches a game. Throw him the ball the more, run a Tight End reverse I don’t care what it is but the 49ers need to give him the ball more. So far this year he has 4 catches for 37 yards. That is awful production for the highest paid tight end in football. There is a rumor out of 49ers camp that they don’t give him the ball more because he is too much of an idiot to remember any of the plays. If this is true the 49ers should accommodate that. Alex Smith should come to the huddle and say the play and then tell Davis what he has to do. Just my opinion.

• I was at University Chicken the other day picking up some food right when the Raiders were lining up to kick the game winning field goal in OT against the Broncos. Janikowski lines up to kick the game winner and right as the snap is happening Shannahan calls a timeout. Janikowski kicks the 52 yd game winner but hold on, the officials allowed the time out, the kick didn’t count and the Raiders don’t get the win. The Raiders line up again to kick the field goal and Janikowski misses it the second time. While I think that it was a great call by Shannahan to make the Time Out call, I think the rule needs to change. I don’t know how to change it. Maybe go back to allowing only players on the field to make the time out call instead of the coaches. I don’t know what to do but the Raiders got hosed.
• I know the format of this blog is all messed but I don't know how to fix it.
  

NBA DRAFT

Well the NBA Draft is Thursday night and on the list of my favorite sporting events I would rank the NBA Draft in the top 5. The others being the NFL Draft, March Madness, the NFL Conference Championship weekend, and the first episode of all of the seasons of Real World/ Road Rules Challenges just so if you can if CT will be there.

Every year I get extra fired up that the Celtics could do something amazing with their draft pick. I have been excited about the pick so far just three times in the last 10 years (Al Jefferson, Gerald Green, and Paul Pierce). Sadly the Celtics have also had some just bombs of picks including Jerome Moiso, Joseph Forte, Marcus Banks (before the emails start coming in saying “We didn’t draft him we traded for him, I just want to remind you that we drafted Troy Bell and made the trade. Either way it was an awful pick), and Kedrick Brown. The Celtics have also been the kings of drafting someone and trading them before they reached their potential. (see Chauncey Billups and Joe Johnson) Either way I am always skeptical going into the draft even though I know 70% of the time they absolutely blow it on the pick or immediately after. Don’t get me started on trading for Sebastian Telfair using the 7th pick last year. That spot could have been Brandon Roy, you know the Rookie of the Year and potential superstar in the NBA.

So the Celtics that now have the 5th pick in this years draft and anyone that can truly say they know what the Celtics are going to do with the pick are complete idiots. The Celtics can not make a pick without knowing what the 3rd and 4th pick are. Everyone knows that the Blazers are going to pick Oden and the Sonics will pick the Durant. The pick that decides the next 28 will be the third pick by the Hawks.

Mock Draft

1. Trailblazers – Greg Oden

2. Sonics – Kevin Durant

3. Hawks – Al Horford.
(I truly believe that they should take another power forward after drafting Sheldon Williams last year. He is simply the best player available even though they desperately need a point guard.)

4. Grizzlies – Brandon Wright
(I see the Memphis taking the UNC star with unbelievable potential. I think they will try and move Gasol because it is obvious that he doesn’t want to be there anymore and Wright has the ability to step right in that spot.)

5. Celtics – Corey Brewer
(Ok well this pick doesn’t make the most sense for the Celtics but it is the one that I would want the Celtics to make. The one position the Celtics have an abundance of is the swing man position with Pierce, Wally, Tony Allen, Gerald Green, etc. but I think of all the players left Brewer has the best chance of being a star. More likely then not Ainge will take either Yi or Jeff Green because they are bigger people and the Celtics desperately need some big man help.)


The rest of the draft will shake out based on those three picks. If you sat 100 people down in a room and asked them to come up with their mock draft it would not surprise me if only one person got the first 14 picks right. After the first two picks no one knows what is going to happen with the picks. What we do know though is that Stephen A. Smith will go nuts over at least 3 picks in the first round, someone’s big fat mom will be shown crying in the stands after their son is picked, and David Stern will butcher the pronunciation of one of the European picks. Either way I’ll be watching.

The Hodgepodge 6-18-07

The Hodge Podge 6-18-07

· So Wendy’s has decided to put out a triple cheeseburger for $1.99. This might happen to be the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. A TRIPLE MOTHERFUCKIN CHEESEBURGER!!!! I haven’t been this excited since the McDonald’s bag of cheeseburgers deal back when I was in middle school. However, I can see myself buying two of these f’n things for $4 and gain 25 pounds and require a minimum of quadruple bypass in the next four years.

· My past two trips to the Supermarket have been absolutely ridiculous. Trip one I pick up a bunch of stuff and went to checkout where my ATM card was declined for insufficient funds. Apparently if you put a check in an ATM on Friday night after the bank has closed you don’t get to access to that money until Monday morning. Well that didn’t help me. I had to call Momma Kaz for a credit card number and they punched it to the register and I could go on my way. The next trip I forgot to bring my ATM card, which I didn’t realize until I came to checkout again. Just awful awful experiences.

· The new Axe commercials with the “Boom Chicka Wahwah” might be my favorite commercials to come out this summer. The girl shaking her ass in the supermarket like Beyonce is just classic. The other one where a guy's girlfriend rips his father's clothes off is also hysterical.

· I hate interleague play in MLB. It makes no sense to have teams in the same division play different teams. Also in general the AL teams just beat the hell out of NL teams. It is stupid. Also it puts the AL teams at a severe disadvantage. In tonight’s game the Red Sox played the Braves but were without the services of Big Papi, their best player, because the game was held in Atlanta. If Atlanta was to play in Boston they would get to add an extra bat to the lineup and there would be no complaints. Fuck interleague play. Its ridiculous.

· If the band, Tainted Love ever comes anywhere near where you live you must go see them. Watching them perform on Friday night up in Redwood City was the highlight of the last couple of years. That’s right, I said years. For those of you not in the know, Tainted Love is an 80’s cover band that can literally play anything from the 80’s. They played an 3 hour set and it was amazing. A group of about 14 of us got hammered took the train to the show. They started off with Eye of the Tiger by Survivor then hit all the major classics including Journey, Eddie Money, The Outfield, Billy Idol, Pat Bennatar, etc. Honestly the most fun I have had in years.

Running Diary of the NBA Lottery

Well here we are on the most important night in the last 10 years of the Boston Celtics and depending on the outcome the most important night in the next 10 years of the Boston Celtics. The NBA Draft Lottery. The fate of my beloved Boston Celtics rests on Ping-Pong Balls. Why can’t this be like the old days when David Stern could have totally rigged this thing with a creased envelope or a frozen one and ensured that the Celtics could be restored to the prominence of the 80’s. If they don’t get a number one or two pick in this draft the team will be sunk for the next 10 years. Don’t tell me that Corey Brewer, Al Horford, or the athletic Chinese Guy are great players, if the you don’t get the Number 1 or 2 pick in this draft it should be considered a loss. They have a 38.7% chance of getting the one or two pick and there is still a knot in my stomach the size of Rosie O’Donnell.

A pre-face: in the pre-game show for the lottery analyst Jon Barry just guaranteed that the Celtics would get the Number 1 pick. Thanks for jinxing the crap out of the Celtics. Honestly, someone put a hit out on Barry immediately.

5:27 – We are coming to live from the Kaz apartment. Alongside me tonight will be… well no one. I am here by myself to bring you this running diary of the NBA lottery. Our telecast tonight will be led by Fred Hickman, Greg Anthony, and Jay Bilas. Thank god, Stephen A. Smith is nowhere near this set. Somehow he will be heard from wherever he is sitting.

5:28 – Mark Jones shows us how the Lottery will be selected from Conference Room 3A. Apparently it is done by the a weird system of 4 digit numbers and matching it up against the wall of numbers. Hm… seems a little more complicated then it has to be.

5:31 – Anthony mentions that there is a chance of the Knicks getting the number one pick and having to send it to the Bulls for the deal involving Eddy Curry. So in an essence it would be Curry for Oden. How did Isiah get an extension? Almost as perplexing as Doc Rivers getting one.

5:32 – I believe I see Tommy Heinsohm in the background of the room. This is starting to feel a lot better. In 1997, the Celtics sent ML Carr and we know how that one turned out to us.

5:33 – Interview with Patrick Ewing. A Cambridge Ridge and Latin Graduate (a Boston High School) that apparently couldn’t read when he went to Georgetown. One of the best college institutions in the country taking on a guy that couldn’t read? The power of college basketball is massive folks.

5:35 – They have activated the ping-pong ball machine. Excuse me, I have to go change my shorts.

5:37 – Preview of Game Two: Spurs and Jazz. Who Cares???? The Spurs in 5. You read it hear first. Unless this preview deals with Tony Parkers sex life with Eva Longoria before games, I don’t want to hear Marc Jackson or Van Gundy speak again.

5: 39 – Interview with David Stern. Now he is discussing how the NBA ruined the Spurs and Suns series by suspending Stoudemire and Diaw and he was justified by doing it. Shut up Stern. You ruined a greatest series and are now admitting that rule will probably change. You should have done the right thing a week ago and let those two play. I haven’t seen a screw job like that since Vinny Mac screwed Bret Hart in Wrestlemania 10 years ago.

5:41 – Another Commercial??? That’s two in six minutes. Fuck you ESPN. I am about to have a heart attack and you give me another set of commercials. Either make this the best night or put me out of my misery now. I can see why people drink.

5:45 – And we’re back and meeting the representatives: Mike Dunleavy, Chad Shin of the Hornets, Billy King of the 76ers, Basketball Jesus (and they are doing an interview with him now and he is funny. I love him), Phil Maloof, Steve Schanwald of the Bulls, Fred Whitfield of the Bobcats, Randy Foye, Brandon Roy (honestly the rookies from last year? Send KG, now that would be interesting), Lenny Wilkins, The Human Highlight Show for the Hawks, Larry Harris of the Bucks, Tommy Heinsohn, and Jerry West. What a group of people.

5:48 – OMG its finally here. My heart is about 300 beats per minute. 14 goes to the Clippers. That is where they are supposed to be. I can’t type right now…

5:49 – Through 9 and everything has been normal. The percentages have held true.

5:50 – NUMBER 5!!!!!!!!!. Are you kidding me???? KILL ME NOW!!!!!!!! Portland, Seattle and Atlanta are left. Even Memphis got killed. This is why the lottery doesn’t work. The Celtics needed that pick. I wasted all my birthday wishes on this one too. SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!

5:51 – Another Commercial. Giving all of us Boston fans time to get the nooses ready.

5:53 – Viewing the Celtics lottery party. That is what I look like right now. #3 goes to the Hawks. #2 to the Sonics and Number 1 goes the Portland Trailblazers. Honestly how does that happen? This is absolutely ridiculous. I am done with the NBA.

5:55 – Interview with Brandon Roy. Pairing the best player from last year’s draft with Greg Oden or Durant that really seems fair. This isn’t how it is supposed to work. I am in shock and in disbelief.

5:56 – the Trail Blazers now with their team with Oden are now legitimate contenders. So now the West gets even better and the East gets even worse. I can’t even watch this even more…If you don’t hear from me in a couple days please come over and make sure I’m not hanging in my closet.

Marcia's Column #6

after 3 years of bitterness i have finally started to enjoy softball again. I went the last Cal game of the year and actually enjoyed myself. for the first time in a long while, watching softball brought back some wonderful memories for me. it has been really hard for me to not be bitter about the way my softball career ended over the last 3 years. i think in some way i always will be upset about it, but i think i'm beginning to associate softball with the 13 years i played before it got bad and the truth is the reason i have been so upset about it, is because of how much i got out of playing softball for so long.

but just as i am starting to enjoy the game again, monica abbott has to break the NCAA strikeout record. (fyi: monica abbott is a pitcher for the tennessee softball team.) if you know me, you know that it drives me crazy that i can't be the best at everything. ok, obviously i am not the best pitcher in the history of the world, but now i am not even the best pitcher who's name is m. abbott. that is VERY hard on my ego.

if you've ever been in the embarcadero muni station in San Francisco, you know that when they run an ad (for say prius or Microsoft vista) they literally rent out the entire station to the same product, which i find annoying on its own. they print these ads on the floors, on the stairs, hang up banners and put movie trailer-like signs all over and they'll put like 10 in a row right next to each other. it was bad enough when i had to read 20 versions of the same ad for prius and vista, but i didn't have anything against these ads in particular, though i'm still trying to figure out why everyone who owns a prius likes to hold up a sign that says "yes!". . . i guess they are excited, but it doesn't make any intuitive sense to me. did someone ask them if they liked their prius or if they'd buy it again? if so, they should tell us that, it is not well explained.

the new add that is EVERYWHERE are the reebok ads. i'm not sure if you've seen these ads, but they are part of the campaign that involves the new commercial that ends with Allen iverson and Vince young and has the tag line "run at the speed of chat". this commercial is the only semi-decent part of this campaign. it is not necessarily great, but it doesn't piss me off like the others. The ones in the muni station feature a bunch of runners that look like they're going to pass out or who have fallen over from running so hard, but come with such tag lines as "a 10 minute mile is just as long as a 6 minute mile", "what are you just doing?", "did you beat your time or just yourself?" and others with a similar message. . . be mediocre. i understand that they are trying to make running seem fun and accessible to people who aren't athletes. it just seems like they are almost making fun of athletes and it makes me mad. i probably wouldn't care if i didn't have to look at 20 of these ads every morning and night, but every time i do it makes me madder and madder.

these ads probably aren't all that offensive to the general person, i think this all goes back to my crazy competitive, why do something if you're not the best at it? attitude. they really piss me off though.

Middle of Finals and I got Nothing

Well I am in the middle of finals so all I have been doing has been studying in the library so I haven’t really been in touch with the outside world so I have nothing interesting to talk about but I feel like my audience needs something to get them through their weeks.

So here goes…

My buddy Adam Braun is currently doing a semester at sea and sends periodic emails and photos from his trip in a big mailer to a group of us. He was just recently in Buenos Aires, Argentina and just sent one of these emails. Thankfully something inside the email was so entertaining and enjoyable that I am just going to copy and paste a part of it and call it my column for the week.

Perhaps the strangest night I've had on this trip occurred when we headed 30 minutes outside the city to the "best Sunday night club around". Immediately upon arrival we realized we were among the trash of Buenos Aires, but the club interior was nice and the throbbing house rhythms were infectious. After 45 minutes of music though, the hanging TV screen was raised and the music faded... Everyone moved to the outskirts of the dance floor, taking seats to observe the stage as if they knew exactly what was coming... Suddenly, a busty blond sauntered onstage in high heels and lingerie. "Take My Breath Away" from Top Gun pierced the stank club air, and my first thought was "She's not going to...." Oh yes, she was. After a few pathetic gyrations, she removed her top to reveal silicon-enhanced breasticles. Interesting. Suddenly, a large pony-tailed man walked onstage behind her, wearing an oversized black leather trench coat. Ummm, okay.

She walked towards the beast and removed the dead cow from his shoulders, revealing tighty-whitey underwear and nothing else. Scott, Israeli Doodee and I looked at each other with equal looks of "Is this really happening!?" She knelt down to face the Incredible Hulk's incredible hulk, and at that point the same thought ran through all of our heads simultaneously... "Not a chance." Oh, but how wrong we were. She pulled down this dude's jock strap to reveal a freakish 11-inch ramjam boner-nation. A collective gasp shuddered through the scattered crowd, and for the next 3 minutes they engaged in softcore faux sex ON STAGE. We were in a state of absolute shock. This was a regular nightclub we thought, not Marv Albert's chamber of love. Finally the curtains mercifully closed, and Bob Sinclair's club anthem "Hold On" screamed over the speakers. We were paralyzed with "what-just-happened-to-me"-ness, but everyone else sprinted onto the dancefloor and began shaking it up like nothing out of the ordinary had just happened! Where the hell were we?! If anything, they danced with more vigor, most likely to compensate for their newfound feelings of loathesome sexual inadequacy thanks to the trenchoat-wearing tripod...

Well that pretty much will be my last post until finals are over (May 15^th for all of you not in the know). I hope you enjoyed an adventure with Captain Adam Braun and his tale from the High Seas.

Marcia's Column #5

Apparently, Kaz informed me that the "public had spoken" and I needed to write a column this week. I have to say that i have been crazy busy at work lately. . . my boss made a "joking" reference to needing me to work 120 hours this week. I hope he was joking, because if not I just screwed myself into working 120.5 hours this week by writing this column. I hope you enjoy.

you know, ever since me and Kaz started dating I have been trying really hard to hate the Yankees. When Pettitte went to the Astros, he really helped my cause, but he's back now, so I'm screwed. The Yankees seem to draw people towards them in some weird way. You don't want to like them, but for some reason it's hard not to (unless you're from Boston, but we all know that thats all about jealousy). But for normal people like me, why is it so hard to hate the Yankees?

I was watching sports center a few weeks ago at the gym and I couldn't really see very well, but all of a sudden there was this HOT guy on the TV that they were talking about, so I started paying better attention. It was Chase Wright, the new Yankees pitcher. He was, I'm assuming, brought in because Mike Mussina and Carl Pavano were recently put on the DL. One good looking guy replacing two other good looking guys. It was at this moment that it came to me. . . the Yankees are hard to hate, because they are so good looking. I went through the Yankees roster and came up with 11 guys I think are attractive. here is the list. . . Kyle Farnsworth, Mike Mussina, Carl Pavano, Andy Pettitte, Chase Wright, Jorge Posada, Robinson Cano, Alberto Gonzalez, Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Jason Giambi. You may not agree with every name on this list, but lets look at the list of Padres in comparison. . . i found 3: Justin Hampson, Pete Laforest, Russell Branyan (and I gave these 3 the benefit of the doubt).

I mean, its bad enough that the Yankees buy all the good players, do they have to buy all the good looking ones too? Granted there are exceptions, like caveman Johnny Damon, but percentage- wise the Yankees are just way ahead of the pack. Just for the record, I whole heartedly think that some of these guys are total tools, like A Rod who likes to try and slap other players like a five year old girl to get them to drop a ball. . . did you really think that Bronson Arroyo was going down from a girl's slap fight?. . . and Derek Jeter, my feelings for him can be summed up in the saying from Kaz's shirt "Yankees suck, Jeter swallows", but there is no denying that they are attractive.

I think the Yankees have the right idea. What is going to get women to come to baseball games more than a bunch of hot guys in tight pants?

I feel sort of bad for Kaz, besides the fact that he has a girlfriend who wants to do the majority of the Yankees, he had a few other things happen to him recently involving New York sports.

1. Tom Brady being photographed wearing a Yankees hat. This i do not understand, I mean he had to know that would anger Boston fans and he's not from New York, so why would he be a Yankee fan? UNLESS. . . its the hot guys! perhaps impregnating women and dating the most highly paid model in the history of the world is all to cover up the fact that he is gay and dating Derek Jeter. Maybe he wore the Yankees hat, because he "couldn't live a lie anymore". I really hope this is true, not only would it make all those crazy die- hard Pats fans squirm, he would be a great role model for gay athletes everywhere.

2. Zak DeOssie being drafted by the Giants. Kaz literally watched like every moment of the draft (I was more of an in and out kind of watcher) and was so excited for Zak. But everytime I say something like "Aren't you so excited?" He responds with a [sigh] "yeah, it's just that the Giants are one of my least favorite teams". We are both still very excited for Zak, I think Kaz just had visions of Zak in a Pats uniform. . . I personally wanted him to go to the 49ers or the Chargers, but what can you do? CONGRATS ZAK!

3. Roger Clemens going to the Yankees. . . ok, I have to brag a bit here. . . who called this in their previous column? My favorite part of the announcement was when the panned to Andy Pettitte to show how happy he was. . . he looked like a little kid

The Mailbag 5-3-07

Law School Finals are upon us that is why the posts are so few and far between. I’m not going to even apologize because if you were in finals right now you wouldn’t be writing anything either.

First of a few comments from my readers….(Kind of like a mailbag but no one actually ever sends me an emails:

Uchenna Omokaro: "Your blogs crack me up..."

Why thank you Uch. Marcia and I try very hard to make this not only informative but also funny. I know many of our readers check here everyday while at work to get through their boring and repetitive lives. What can I say, I live to give.

Mark Logsdon: “I don't really get Entourage. I've tried to watch it, and nothing ever happens. There's usually a minor problem that gets resolved by the end of the episode, and in the end they're all still in the same Entourage and Vince is always rich and famous. Eric has to tell Vince that he can't go on his wine trip...oh no! Guess Vince will have to fly an airplane to Cabo! What the fuck kind of a plot is that?”

Well Mark, one of my good friends for quite along time and also the person I went with to the single greatest basketball game I have ever been to(that should be subject to a column on its own.) I sometimes agree with you when it comes to Entourage in that it is normally just a smaller issue that gets resolved by the end of the show but there are other overarching issues that go on for episodes at a time such as the awkwardness between Vince and Mandy Moore, Vince not working on Aquaman 2, and now the relationship between Vince, his new agent Amanda, and Ari. These weren’t just resolved at the end of the episode and became major themes for the series. Also of course they are all going to stay part of the same entourage. They are either related by blood or are best friends from growing up. They are going to stick together because they are all they got on the West Coast. And I mean lets be honest the show is fucking hysterical. That should be enough to make you watch it.

Jeremy Kessel: “Tommy and I agree...Marcia's Column is the most anticipated post of the week.”

I agree that she is a better writer then me. Her columns are generally more about pop culture that more people would be interested in rather then the opening day game between the Boston Red Sox and Kansas City Royals and she is constantly taking jabs at me which is always funny.

Luiz Arroyo: “It is not 1999 he is not the best reciever anymore.” (In reference to Randy Moss)

I actually agree with you 100% Luiz. Statistically and heart wise Randy Moss is not the greatest receiver in the NFL. He has had 3 down years and appears to not care any more. But lets be honest, Randy Moss, when it comes to talent, is the greatest receiver in the NFL. He is 6’4”, with hands of glue that apparently ran 4.29 at his physical with the Patriots and all the Pats had to give up was a 4^th Round Draft Pick. And the best part is that he could be a bum and give up on the team and it wouldn’t matter because we have a plethora of wide receivers. The Pats could put his ass on the bench and it wouldn’t matter. I think that playing on a winning team with veteran leadership in Brown, Brady, Bruschi and Bellichek will finally motivate him to play hard again. Moss on the Right, Stallworth on the Left, Welker in the Slot, Watson in the Middle, and Maroney out of the backfield with Brady leading an offense is up there with the best skilled players in the league. Get me to Vegas, I need to put money down on them right now.

William Burroughs: “You need to make a blog post about the fight before it happens.”

The fight that Uncle Phillip Banks is talking about is De La Hoya vs. Mayweather this Saturday night in Las Vegas. Dubbed the “Last Great Fight” and the “Fight of the Decade” and I could care less. The last boxing match I ever watched and was excited about walking was a match between Lewis and one of the Klitschko brothers. Vitali kicked the living the hell out of him but the fight had to stop be because of a cut on Vitali’s head and the doctor wouldn’t let him continue. Such Bullshit. Since then boxing has meant nothing to me. This coupled with the emergence of the UFC has made boxing not even a second level sport anymore. Would I rather watch De La Hoya vs. Mayweather or Quinton “Rampage” Jackson vs. Chuck “The Iceman” Lidell? That isn’t even a question at this point. The only way I would go and watch “Fight of the Decade” would be if someone ponied up the $54.95 and didn’t expect me to pay a dime and provided all of the food and booze. That’s how little I care about that fight. Hey maybe it will be the “Fight of the Decade” but I could care less.

TV Ramblings 4-18-07

When it comes to television I would like to consider myself pretty much an expert. People constantly ask me “You probably watch more TV then anyone else I know, how do you do it with law school?” Well its simple actually, the invention of the Tivo. Tivo has been the greatest invention of the last 20 years and I am willing to fight anyone that challenges me on this. Think about this, Thursday night is the most jammed packed TV night ever. On Thursday night alone there is, The Office, 30 Rock, Scrubs, Grey’s Anatomy, Shark, CSI, The Ultimate Fighter, etc. Now Marcia and I want to watch all of these shows. 10 years ago we didn’t have a chance unless we have two TVs and two VCRS. Fast-forward to today and all of these shows are watchable due to Tivo. Kudos to you Mr. Tivo Inventor. You are on same plane as Ben Franklin, Henry Ford, and the guy that invented String Cheese. You Rock.

And onto more about TV I have a bone to pick with you Bravo Network. Marcia and I try and watch the shows each other wants to watch as a why to spend more time together. Some have been hits (me making her watch 24 and now she loves it, and her asking me to watch Project Runway with her and I love it) while some have been misses (me asking her to watch Thank God You’re Here is the most current example and her asking me to get into Laguna Beach and the Hills, not going to happen). So I enjoy Project Runway, which if you didn’t know is a show hosted by Heidi Klum where potential Fashion Designers are given weekly challenges and the person who does the worst is voted off. This show has been a hit so they decided to spin it off into another show called Top Chef. Which follows the same premise but is about cooking (even though my problem with it is how can we has a home viewing audience tell how good something tastes?). Another classically good show. Now they are spinning this off into two other shows called Top Design (interior decorating) and Sheer Genius (hairstyling). These two not so good. I have an idea for you Bravo network, why don’t you come up with a new idea for an f’n show. What is next for you guys? Top Artist? Top Nanny? Top Porn Star starring Jenna Jameson? I mean honestly, where does it end with you assholes? Actually I wouldn’t mind watching Top Porn Star but it would have to be on HBO as a minimum.

Sunday Night TV Review:

Sopranos was excellent. They really set up where the whole season was going to go from here. A nice gang war between the New York Family run by Philly Leotardo (named after a fucking outfit you wear for ballet) against the Soprano Family of New Jersey is a great way to make the final season run its course. Tony is paranoid that someone is going to kill him (believing that his “nephew” Christopher could be the one) and AJ being bitch slapped figuratively from his girlfriend are great new plot lines for the rest of the year.

Entourage is finally BACK!!! This past episode was just classic. Everyone was involved in some storyline that was just superb. Turtle and Drama trying to score with the chicks from the dog park with Drama getting screwed over in the end, Eric and Vince having relationship problems because of Sloan calling Eric a “little Vince’s Boy” and Ari and Lloyd really bonding at a gay club. These all could have been separate episodes but for our viewing pleasure Entourage crammed them into one episode. So I have a question for you my reading audience…what was the line of the night from Entourage? I give you two options:

1. Ari to the Sitcom writer as he was trying to take advantage of Lloyd: “At Miller Gold we may be whores, but we aren’t pimps. Come on Lloyd we’re leaving.”

2. Eric: “What are you not going to talk to me?”

Sloan: “Oh I’ll talk, but don’t expect anymore.”

You tell me. I think they are both classic.

Marcia's Column #4

I have to apologize for not writing anything for last week, it was combo of not getting back from San Diego until 3:30am on Monday morning and having a really busy week at work. . . I'll try and write another one sometime this week to make up for it (if Kaz is willing to alter the schedule for me) . . . no promises though

So by now, if you've read any of my other posts you know that i am (healthy, i think) obsessed with Andy Pettitte. Opening week of baseball season, i got super excited and looked up the schedules of when either the Yankees or the Padres would be in SF or Oakland. I remembered that the Yankees were playing in Oakland this weekend, but didn't really make plans to see a game, etc. During bar #1 of the pub crawl i did on sat night, the Yankees/ A's game was on and thought there was a decent chance Pettitte was pitching the next day (i knew that he hadn't pitching either of the last 2 games). Around bar #3 on the pub crawl, I decided that i should in fact text Kaz and make him figure out if Pettitte was pitching Sunday or not (I'm sure he loved this considering he was at home writing a paper and I was out being a drunk asshole). After leaving bar #5 i was sufficiently drunk to the point where i had completely forgotten about the game and completely focused on making it to Bob's 24 hour donut shop, but right then i got a call from Kaz that Pettitte was pitching! YES! and my friend Erin even said she'd want to go with me

I was worried that this would be one of those instances when everyone thinks things like this are a good idea when they're drunk and then the next morning, totally punk out (i am always the loser who was serious and gets up early to get ready and then finds out that everyone else is still sleeping). Well, me and Erin actually managed to wake up and buy Justin Timberlake tickets, get ready, head to nick's crispy tacos, and head to the game. . .

On the way over, we got to hear a story from Erin's friend about this guy she knew who was rushing to get on the BART and not paying attention, who sat down in puddle of someelse's urine. . . this made me glad we were driving. After a LONG drive, because of horrible traffic caused by a concurrent A's and Warriors game, we arrived.

Maybe it was a mistake to drive an hour to a game we didn't have tickets to, but i felt like A's tickets weren't very hard to get, though I may have underestimated how much of a draw the Yankees coming to town is. We suspected that the game might be sold out, but figured if they were that we'd just head up to the BART ramp and look for scalpers. We thought it might be a bad sign when the people coming from the BART ramp were asking us if we had extra tickets, but always the eternal optimist, i was convinced that i would get tickets. i mean, it is my destiny to see Andy Pettitte, right? WRONG. when we got up there, there was only one scalper and he was selling tickets for $100 each. even, i don't like Pettitte that much, plus, I'm not a drug dealer. . . who carries $200 cash around with them? it was then that i realized that i would not be seeing Andy Pettitte pitch, so i took my nick's crispy tacos, which i was still waiting to eat, and hopped on BART to head back to SF. It was once I got on BART that i started thinking about my friend's theory on public transportation in the bay area. . .

His theory is that BART and the MUNI buses smell, but that CalTrain and the MUNI metro are cleaner. He also says that he doesn't sit on the BART, because the smell travels with you. (This reminded me of that Seinfeld when Jerry can't get the smell out of his car and everyone who goes in it smells). I have always noticed that the buses in SF gross me out a lot more than the metro, but hadn't been on BART all that much. The combo of hearing about a guy sitting in a puddle of urine and riding the BART for the second time ever, made me think more about this phenomena. After checking my seat multiple times for urine, I decided to actually sit down, though i was worried about carrying BART smell with me for the rest of the day, especially getting in stuck in my hair. Is that how it works, like when you get smoke smell stuck in your hair after going out? I'm going to have to ask my friend about the intricacies of "catching the BART smell".

Anyway, my theory is that BART smells worse than the MUNI metro or the CalTrain because of the type of seating. BART seats are made out of like normal cloth and look relatively absorbent, whereas CalTrain and MUNI have seats that are basically made of plastic. Less absorbent = less smell retained. The real mystery is the MUNI buses. Why would these be any smellier than the MUNI metro? The seats are made of the same material(though the brown seats on the buses don't exactly make it look more appealing), so they shouldn't absorb the smell anymore than the metro seats do. I also thought it might be the type of people who ride the buses, but why would bus people be smellier than metro people, there is no inherent reason i can think of . . . i don't get it. Chalk it up as one of life's great mysteries I guess.

Pacman Jones and Don Imus

The two biggest sports stories going on right now in the world are Pacman Jones year long suspension and Don Imus’s insensitive sexist and racist remarks about the Rutgers Womens Basketball Team. If you haven’t heard of these stories please say hello to Bin Laden for me because you have been living under the same rock as he has for the last 5 years. For those of you of that have not heard these stories here are extremely short synopsizes.

Pacman Jones has been in trouble with the law from the moment he entered the NFL (Something around 10 arrests or so). While he has never been convicted of anything the NFL started a Player’s Conduct Policy that punishes you for your indiscretions off the field. Not too long ago Pacman was in a strip club with $81,000 in one dollar bills. He was a regular patron to this gentlemen’s establishment and like to have things his way. This includes “making it rain” by throwing the money in the air and having the women keep dancing while the money rained down on them. Most of the strippers knew the rule (set by Pacman) that you are not to start picking up the money until Pacman gave you the ok. A new girl didn’t know the rule and started picking up the money immediately. Pacman grabbed her and punched her in the face and the proceeded to smash her face into the stage. A bouncer immediately stepped in and grabbed Pacman and forced him to leave the establishment. Once outside the DA claims Pacman sent a posse member of his back into shoot the bouncer. The bouncer was shot and remains in critical condition. After this last situation the Commissioner of the NFL decided to suspend Pacman for the entire upcoming season without pay. Also if Pacman gets in trouble with the law while suspended he is kicked out of the league for life.

Here is my problem with this. While I agree that Pacman is a complete douchebag and probably shouldn’t be allowed in the NFL for what he did, we live in America where everyone is innocent until proven guilty. Let me reiterate this point, Pacman has never been convicted of anything. He has never served any prolonged jail time. He is an asshole that always seems to get himself in the wrong situations but he has never been convicted. Apparently Goodell (the Commissioner) has instituted himself as the judge, jury and executioner of the NFL. That is what my problem with the whole situation is. This could just be a series of unbelievable coincidences (I doubt it) but the point is that we don’t know. Until he is convicted of something (Charges for the strip club incident have been filed against him) he should have the luxury of all of the same freedoms that we all get.

Moving on to the Imus Situation. Don Imus on his nationally syndicated radio show said he watched the National Championship Game for the Women’s NCAA championship and said that the Rutgers Team was some “nappy-headed hoes”. He then proceeded to go on many news outlets and use excuses like “we were just having fun, I’m not really a racist” and the worst one of all time “I’m not a racist, I have many black friends.” The “I have many black friends” card is the single worst thing of all time. By saying something like that you are just proving what even more of a racist you are. What Imus should have done was just shut his damn mouth. His comment was awful but really dug his grave was his stupid comments surrounding the incident. Don’t go on the Rev. Al Sharpton’s Radio Show. What do you think was going to happen to you? He would forgive you? No what he did was make you look more like an idiot racist bigot and now you got fired from both of your jobs. Bravo Imus, you really showed us all how not to handle this situation.

So those are the big sport stories in the news this week and my take on them. You think I’m wrong, then let me know. Come back next week to see the reappearance of the Marcia Column.

(Side Note: to any Boston Sports fan go to Youtube and type in Fitzy’s Wicked Pissah Webcast. I promise you that you will not be disappointed.)

A Few Things that Bug Me

First off I know it has been way to long since a post on here. To my loyal readers (I think we are somewhere in the 40-50 range at this point based on messages I have received) I apologize. Marcia went home for Easter Weekend and didn't get back into Northern Cal until 3:45 am on Monday morning and had to get up for work at 6am so she didn't feel like anything she would write would be enjoyable for you all to read.

I on the other hand have been taking care of a take home final and haven't really had any time to write anything other then my damn paper so I apologize for my absence. There is really no excuse though, I should have found some time to write at least something. This will not happen again. I know many of you look here for something to read while slugging away at your job and I have let you down.

So here is just a few things that have been bugging me. This isn't a What Really Grinds My Gears because that is Jared's thing and these don't bug me that much but just are a little annoying.

1. White people that add "izzle" to basic words. This phase ended a long time people and you don't look cool doing it or are funny while doing it. Please stop. For the love of God, I am pleading with you. The next little white girl that says "Fo Shizzle" is going to get my size 15 off the side of their head.
   
2. People who serve to avoid a speed bump but still run it over with two wheels. Don't give me this I am trying to save my car bullshit. That is crap and you know it. You are still hitting the bump with two wheels and when you come back the other way you are going to hit it with the other two wheels. Just sack up and don't swerve onto oncoming traffic to avoid hitting the speed bump with two wheels. The chance of a head on collision is much better then wearing down your tires.
   
3. WWTDD.com. This website is one of the two celebrity gossip sites I check everyday along with www.perezhilton.com. The other day this site said that the show Entourage was unbearable and borderline unwatchable. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! It is one of the best shows on TV today. I am boycotting you Mr. What Would Tyler Durden Do. All of my celebrity gossip will now have to come from PerezHilton.
4. People who when you bring up baseball to them they immediately tell you about their fantasy baseball team. I just want to talk to you about baseball in general. Don't tell me that you are pissed because you have Grady Sizemore and he hasn't been able to play because of the snow in Cleveland. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR FANTASY BASEBALL TEAM. There that is covered. We can all move on now.

That is it for now. Just a few things that bug me. I can live with it but let me tell you, if these keep up I am going to snap. By Friday there will either be a Marcia Column or a column by me about Adam "PacMan" Jones and Chris Henry. Stay Tuned.

What Really Grinds My Gears #2

I was really excited when my bother asked me to write another column for his blog, because he is right, I am a really pissed off person. And nothing really grinds my gears more than this.

Who the hell said that mustaches were out of fashion? Somehow, people in the 90’s and the 00’s believe that full-blown beard and goatee are the “new in thing.” And before I go on, I know that the few people who actually know me will call me a hypocrite because I usually rock the goatee, but that is because of only one reason and that is I am not fully man enough yet to pull off a mustache by itself. I mean some of the great men of the 80’s, (when the mustache was fashionable) rocked the greatest mustaches ever. My father, Porno star John Holmes and of course Ron Jeremy. Those were real men my good people. None of this, “mustaches are out because they look ugly and I don’t want to look Mexican.” My father still rocks the 80’s porn star mustache, and I must say he pulls it off with style and grace. Also because when he grows a goatee he looks too old, and when he shaves it off he looks to fat, but still the mustache is what makes my father the man he is. Also, this is not just my father people, every single one of his brothers, my uncles, rocks the mustache. I mean a brother family picture looks like right before a porno scene and right before the women show up. I’ve told them that the 80’s, called they want their fashion back, but they just smile and make fun of me because of the fake facial hair that I myself have. They are real men people. So I call out to all you people who can grow facial hair with relative ease, (my brother for example) if you can grow a full mustache, then do it, stop hiding behind beards and goatees.

Another thing with facial hair that seems to be the “new in thing” that really grinds my gears is this new “chin strap beard.” I mean what the hell is that? I earlier stated that beards are not as fashionable as mustaches, but now we have to make it look good too? I mean I don’t even think they should be legal, because not one person I know that has the chin strap looks good. And what really grinds my gears even more, are the really really fat guys that try and have the chin strap. You know the guys that I am talking about, like the ones who are so fat that they don’t even have a distinction between their neck and face. But still somehow have a chin strap beard. You just decided to put that anywhere didn’t you? There is not a distinct jaw outline, so you could have put that thing an inch below your eye and no one would have even known the difference. A prime example of this that all of you should know is George Lucas. I mean what the hell is that? The man has no jaw, but still somehow has the chin strap thing going on. It looks terrible and how the hell does any one know if it’s on his chin? I guess that’s between him and God to figure out.

The HodgePodge 4-4-07

· A few Notes from the Red Sox Opening Day Game: I watched the entire game from the first pitch to the last. First and forth most Curt Schilling looked like absolute crap. He looked overweight and extremely out of shape. For a guy that has made a career out of hitting his spots and overpowering hitters with a 95mph fastball and having a splitter that literally drops off the table he did neither in his opening day start. He looked pathetic out there. I can see why the Red Sox would name him the opening day starter (200 wins over his career) but he was just not ready. Their range at the middle infield by Lugo and Pedroia is just awful. Any groundball up the middle is going to be a base hit. Having that along with a centerfielder with a noodle for an arm in Crisp could cause a lot of problems defensively. All in all, I’m optimistic about the chances of the Sox this year.

· A few of you have gotten back to me about the 11^th member of my list of the Next 11 NBA players into the 61 best players in the NBA and it appears that the resounding favorite is Gary Payton. Also receiving votes were Reggie Miller, Tracy McGrady, and my personal favorite suggestion Dennis Rodman (Not a bad suggestion, you could definitely make an argument). Gary Payton’s career stats are 16.4ppg, 6.7apg, 4.0rpg, and 1.8spg (these have declined in the last couple of years due to his backup role with the Heat). A 9-time All-star nicknamed “The Glove” he was also one of the fiercest on the ball defender ever.

· Is it me or has South Park really been stepping it up this season? I mean honestly the last few episodes have had me laughing harder then I can remember in along time from watching South Park. The 24 spoof, the Head Lice episode, Naggers, and Easter Da Vinci Code special have been hysterical. Such high quality episodes. Good work Matt and Trey.

· As I have stated earlier this upcoming weekend is one of the greatest TV weekends because of the start of Entourage and the Sopranos but I almost forgot that The Ultimate Fighter 5 starts up tom. night and the Masters are this weekend as well. Even if you don’t like Golf you have to like the Masters due to the history around it. The music of that Masters alone should make you watch it. The Ultimate Fighter 5 starts off with the introduction of a new weight class (155lbs lightweights). I am so excited for this as well. It truly is one of my favorites shows. On the other hand, the UFC pay-per-view this upcoming Saturday appears to be on its face, very sub par. A main event of Georges St. Pierre vs. Matt Sera should not be highlighting a pay-per-view. I’m setting the over/under line at 2 minutes to how long this fight will last. I dare you take the over.

· One of my new favorite things is when a college athlete decides to “do the right thing” and stay in school for an extra year and its end up costing them millions of dollars when they don’t get drafted as high as they were projected. Last year Joakim Noah would have been either then #1 or #2 draft pick because the draft was so weak. As of right now he has probably closer to #10 due to how stacked this draft is. Nick Fazekas wanted to return to school for his senior year to improve on his projected draft position as a late first/early second round draft pick. After this year he appears to be right at the same spot. So he returned to college and picked up a degree and lost about a million dollars in the process. The all-time leader in this category though is Matt Leinart. Two years ago Matt was the consensus #1 draft pick to go to the 49ers. He decided to stay in school and “win another national championship” and ended up getting drafted #10 by Arizona. He had already won a national championship and a Heisman trophy but he went back to school for another year with the potential to get hurt and never play in the NFL. Now I believe he went back because he was banging every hot Southern Cal Coed and if that is the case then I have less of a problem with it but loosing out on $20 million is a tough choice to make to bang some USC undergrads. To my readers out there, send in your choices for the “Matt Leinart ‘I should have left school” all-star team”.

As always you can email me your comments and questions at jkazanovicz@gmail.com.