What Really Grinds My Gears #2

I was really excited when my bother asked me to write another column for his blog, because he is right, I am a really pissed off person. And nothing really grinds my gears more than this.

Who the hell said that mustaches were out of fashion? Somehow, people in the 90’s and the 00’s believe that full-blown beard and goatee are the “new in thing.” And before I go on, I know that the few people who actually know me will call me a hypocrite because I usually rock the goatee, but that is because of only one reason and that is I am not fully man enough yet to pull off a mustache by itself. I mean some of the great men of the 80’s, (when the mustache was fashionable) rocked the greatest mustaches ever. My father, Porno star John Holmes and of course Ron Jeremy. Those were real men my good people. None of this, “mustaches are out because they look ugly and I don’t want to look Mexican.” My father still rocks the 80’s porn star mustache, and I must say he pulls it off with style and grace. Also because when he grows a goatee he looks too old, and when he shaves it off he looks to fat, but still the mustache is what makes my father the man he is. Also, this is not just my father people, every single one of his brothers, my uncles, rocks the mustache. I mean a brother family picture looks like right before a porno scene and right before the women show up. I’ve told them that the 80’s, called they want their fashion back, but they just smile and make fun of me because of the fake facial hair that I myself have. They are real men people. So I call out to all you people who can grow facial hair with relative ease, (my brother for example) if you can grow a full mustache, then do it, stop hiding behind beards and goatees.

Another thing with facial hair that seems to be the “new in thing” that really grinds my gears is this new “chin strap beard.” I mean what the hell is that? I earlier stated that beards are not as fashionable as mustaches, but now we have to make it look good too? I mean I don’t even think they should be legal, because not one person I know that has the chin strap looks good. And what really grinds my gears even more, are the really really fat guys that try and have the chin strap. You know the guys that I am talking about, like the ones who are so fat that they don’t even have a distinction between their neck and face. But still somehow have a chin strap beard. You just decided to put that anywhere didn’t you? There is not a distinct jaw outline, so you could have put that thing an inch below your eye and no one would have even known the difference. A prime example of this that all of you should know is George Lucas. I mean what the hell is that? The man has no jaw, but still somehow has the chin strap thing going on. It looks terrible and how the hell does any one know if it’s on his chin? I guess that’s between him and God to figure out.