What Really Grinds My Gears #2

I was really excited when my bother asked me to write another column for his blog, because he is right, I am a really pissed off person. And nothing really grinds my gears more than this.

Who the hell said that mustaches were out of fashion? Somehow, people in the 90’s and the 00’s believe that full-blown beard and goatee are the “new in thing.” And before I go on, I know that the few people who actually know me will call me a hypocrite because I usually rock the goatee, but that is because of only one reason and that is I am not fully man enough yet to pull off a mustache by itself. I mean some of the great men of the 80’s, (when the mustache was fashionable) rocked the greatest mustaches ever. My father, Porno star John Holmes and of course Ron Jeremy. Those were real men my good people. None of this, “mustaches are out because they look ugly and I don’t want to look Mexican.” My father still rocks the 80’s porn star mustache, and I must say he pulls it off with style and grace. Also because when he grows a goatee he looks too old, and when he shaves it off he looks to fat, but still the mustache is what makes my father the man he is. Also, this is not just my father people, every single one of his brothers, my uncles, rocks the mustache. I mean a brother family picture looks like right before a porno scene and right before the women show up. I’ve told them that the 80’s, called they want their fashion back, but they just smile and make fun of me because of the fake facial hair that I myself have. They are real men people. So I call out to all you people who can grow facial hair with relative ease, (my brother for example) if you can grow a full mustache, then do it, stop hiding behind beards and goatees.

Another thing with facial hair that seems to be the “new in thing” that really grinds my gears is this new “chin strap beard.” I mean what the hell is that? I earlier stated that beards are not as fashionable as mustaches, but now we have to make it look good too? I mean I don’t even think they should be legal, because not one person I know that has the chin strap looks good. And what really grinds my gears even more, are the really really fat guys that try and have the chin strap. You know the guys that I am talking about, like the ones who are so fat that they don’t even have a distinction between their neck and face. But still somehow have a chin strap beard. You just decided to put that anywhere didn’t you? There is not a distinct jaw outline, so you could have put that thing an inch below your eye and no one would have even known the difference. A prime example of this that all of you should know is George Lucas. I mean what the hell is that? The man has no jaw, but still somehow has the chin strap thing going on. It looks terrible and how the hell does any one know if it’s on his chin? I guess that’s between him and God to figure out.

What Really Grinds My Gears #1

When I decided I was going to write a blog I thought to myself, "You should really get your brother to write a column about what pisses him off. He is a really angry individual." When approached with the topic he jumped through the roof and had a column in my email inbox within 35 minutes. Here is that column...

My name is Jared Kazanovicz, and I am the younger brother of the normal author of this blog. When my brother told me that I could write something for his blog, I immediately knew what I was going to write about.

What the hell is so great about this Owen Wilson character? I think he is a no talent ass-clown. Most of you are going to be like, “wow, how can you not like the movie ‘Wedding Crashers.’” And this is what I have to say to you. I loved the movie more than any other movie in the past couple of years (except of course the recently awesome movie 300, but that’s another topic) I just hate Owen Wilson more than anything. Three things made Wedding Crashers, and Owen Wilson was not one of them. 1) Vince Vaughn is a genius in his own right and deserves a statue erected of him in his honor. 2) The character, Todd added that little homosexual comic relief that any good movie needs, and did it with precision and accuracy. 3) The short but hilarious role of Will Farrell put the icing on the cake as any movie becomes much better with him in it. Owen Wilson added nothing to this movie but was a good supporting role to Vince Vaughn and the other characters in the movie who were much more hilarious than he was. A much more hilarious and better actor could have played Owen’s character, which is Ben Stiller.

And please don’t bring up any other movie that Owen Wilson is in that you think is good because of him. Every movie that he is in, that does well, is because of the other actors around him, whose performances make the movie. ‘Zoolander’, was made famous by again Will Farrell and the already mentioned better acting of Ben Stiller. The only movie, in my opinion, that makes Owen Wilson not look like a total douche bag is the movie ‘Starsky and Hutch.’ Again, the movie became famous because of the superior acting of Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn and in no way did Owen Wilson have any affect on the movies success, but he actually had a few lines that made me chuckle. Other than that, he was the simple bad actor that I have known to hate.

Also, if he is such a good actor than why are there so many movies out there that have him being the ‘other guy” or supporting actor. Well there is a simple example that I am going to give and that is the movie ‘Behind Enemy Lines’ where Owen Wilson is the main character. I know for a fact that many of you have never heard of this movie because of how horrible it is, or the few of you that have scene this movie know exactly what I am talking about.

I actually retract my earlier statement about 'Starsky and Hutch' is my favorite movie with Owen Wilson in it, in the fact that the movie 'Armageddon' had Owen Wilson in it. Remember? No, because they actually killed him off midway through the movie. The Director and I have a lot in common.