Running Diary of the NBA Lottery

Well here we are on the most important night in the last 10 years of the Boston Celtics and depending on the outcome the most important night in the next 10 years of the Boston Celtics. The NBA Draft Lottery. The fate of my beloved Boston Celtics rests on Ping-Pong Balls. Why can’t this be like the old days when David Stern could have totally rigged this thing with a creased envelope or a frozen one and ensured that the Celtics could be restored to the prominence of the 80’s. If they don’t get a number one or two pick in this draft the team will be sunk for the next 10 years. Don’t tell me that Corey Brewer, Al Horford, or the athletic Chinese Guy are great players, if the you don’t get the Number 1 or 2 pick in this draft it should be considered a loss. They have a 38.7% chance of getting the one or two pick and there is still a knot in my stomach the size of Rosie O’Donnell.

A pre-face: in the pre-game show for the lottery analyst Jon Barry just guaranteed that the Celtics would get the Number 1 pick. Thanks for jinxing the crap out of the Celtics. Honestly, someone put a hit out on Barry immediately.

5:27 – We are coming to live from the Kaz apartment. Alongside me tonight will be… well no one. I am here by myself to bring you this running diary of the NBA lottery. Our telecast tonight will be led by Fred Hickman, Greg Anthony, and Jay Bilas. Thank god, Stephen A. Smith is nowhere near this set. Somehow he will be heard from wherever he is sitting.

5:28 – Mark Jones shows us how the Lottery will be selected from Conference Room 3A. Apparently it is done by the a weird system of 4 digit numbers and matching it up against the wall of numbers. Hm… seems a little more complicated then it has to be.

5:31 – Anthony mentions that there is a chance of the Knicks getting the number one pick and having to send it to the Bulls for the deal involving Eddy Curry. So in an essence it would be Curry for Oden. How did Isiah get an extension? Almost as perplexing as Doc Rivers getting one.

5:32 – I believe I see Tommy Heinsohm in the background of the room. This is starting to feel a lot better. In 1997, the Celtics sent ML Carr and we know how that one turned out to us.

5:33 – Interview with Patrick Ewing. A Cambridge Ridge and Latin Graduate (a Boston High School) that apparently couldn’t read when he went to Georgetown. One of the best college institutions in the country taking on a guy that couldn’t read? The power of college basketball is massive folks.

5:35 – They have activated the ping-pong ball machine. Excuse me, I have to go change my shorts.

5:37 – Preview of Game Two: Spurs and Jazz. Who Cares???? The Spurs in 5. You read it hear first. Unless this preview deals with Tony Parkers sex life with Eva Longoria before games, I don’t want to hear Marc Jackson or Van Gundy speak again.

5: 39 – Interview with David Stern. Now he is discussing how the NBA ruined the Spurs and Suns series by suspending Stoudemire and Diaw and he was justified by doing it. Shut up Stern. You ruined a greatest series and are now admitting that rule will probably change. You should have done the right thing a week ago and let those two play. I haven’t seen a screw job like that since Vinny Mac screwed Bret Hart in Wrestlemania 10 years ago.

5:41 – Another Commercial??? That’s two in six minutes. Fuck you ESPN. I am about to have a heart attack and you give me another set of commercials. Either make this the best night or put me out of my misery now. I can see why people drink.

5:45 – And we’re back and meeting the representatives: Mike Dunleavy, Chad Shin of the Hornets, Billy King of the 76ers, Basketball Jesus (and they are doing an interview with him now and he is funny. I love him), Phil Maloof, Steve Schanwald of the Bulls, Fred Whitfield of the Bobcats, Randy Foye, Brandon Roy (honestly the rookies from last year? Send KG, now that would be interesting), Lenny Wilkins, The Human Highlight Show for the Hawks, Larry Harris of the Bucks, Tommy Heinsohn, and Jerry West. What a group of people.

5:48 – OMG its finally here. My heart is about 300 beats per minute. 14 goes to the Clippers. That is where they are supposed to be. I can’t type right now…

5:49 – Through 9 and everything has been normal. The percentages have held true.

5:50 – NUMBER 5!!!!!!!!!. Are you kidding me???? KILL ME NOW!!!!!!!! Portland, Seattle and Atlanta are left. Even Memphis got killed. This is why the lottery doesn’t work. The Celtics needed that pick. I wasted all my birthday wishes on this one too. SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!

5:51 – Another Commercial. Giving all of us Boston fans time to get the nooses ready.

5:53 – Viewing the Celtics lottery party. That is what I look like right now. #3 goes to the Hawks. #2 to the Sonics and Number 1 goes the Portland Trailblazers. Honestly how does that happen? This is absolutely ridiculous. I am done with the NBA.

5:55 – Interview with Brandon Roy. Pairing the best player from last year’s draft with Greg Oden or Durant that really seems fair. This isn’t how it is supposed to work. I am in shock and in disbelief.

5:56 – the Trail Blazers now with their team with Oden are now legitimate contenders. So now the West gets even better and the East gets even worse. I can’t even watch this even more…If you don’t hear from me in a couple days please come over and make sure I’m not hanging in my closet.